From dc369281a86088fb729fa69269e3918635510d6a Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Ren Kararou Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2022 00:11:39 -0700 Subject: [PATCH 1/4] ready for editing --- src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex | 309 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ src/main.tex | 4 + 2 files changed, 313 insertions(+) create mode 100644 src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex diff --git a/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex b/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex new file mode 100644 index 0000000..debab84 --- /dev/null +++ b/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex @@ -0,0 +1,309 @@ +The world was writhing pain. Then it wasn't. I had form, I could feel it, but +it kept changing in horrifying and very uncomfortable ways. + +Just as suddenly as the weird happened, it stopped. I knew I shouldn't have +synced my virtual and physical bodies, but I really just wanted to see myself. +I guess because my body was actively changing, the implant couldn't get a read +and started freaking out. + +I would ask Lucere about that. + +The world was full of new colours assaulting me as I opened my eyes. Colours I +thought shouldn't exist, that were nearly impossible to describe. After all, +how do you explain colour to someone who's never seen it? + +My headache came back in full force before I could think any longer on the +colours I was seeing. + +"What in the fuck did I do that for?" I asked myself aloud. My head felt fuzzy +as I sat up. Aside from the new colours, the room was mostly the same, save a +woman sitting slumped over in the chair to my right. She was pretty. + +Her shoulder length hair looked almost white, but off slightly. It had several +highlights of another colour I couldn't describe. Her face was slightly +rounded and framed by slivers of hair. Her eyes glowed of a blue-like colour +that I couldn't put my finger on. + +"You passed," Lucere said. + +"Passed what?" I asked. Only now did I realize my voice was high and melodic. +"Wait, what the hell?" + +I looked down and saw two small lumps on my chest. "What the hell?" I +demanded. + +"You needed an avatar boss," the girl said, exhaustion seeping through her +voice. + +"So you just dropped me into a woman's- wait, boss?" I asked, perplexed. I +wasn't her boss, was I? + +"Yeah," Lucere responded, through her own exhaustion, "You are her immediate +officer. We mentioned you were an officer, right?" + +"Yeah," I whispered, "I just didn't think it was going to be an immediate type +of thing." I had no idea how to be a leader. I'd worked on software my whole +career in exclusively non-leadership roles. + +I slumped back and put my hands on my forehead. "What's with the new colours?" + +"Probably messed up with a setting," my I-guess-an-employee said, "I was really +rushed for time. Fix your settings yourself." + +I nodded and started moving through the menus to change the way that visual +input was processed and started adjusting. Before I knew it, the world looked +normal again. + +"Thank you," I said, realizing I hadn't mentioned it earlier. + +"Whatever," she said, "I'm Eilidh. Designation of, um... I guess tactical +something or other." + +"I'm Talon," I replied. The name didn't really feel right coming from this +honey-sweet voice. "Shit. That doesn't sound right. Lets go with Vivian." +Where had that come from? Had I been thinking about it without realizing it? + +Was my brain working against me again? + +"Vivian," Lucere laughed, suddenly breaking out of her exhaustion, "wow that +fits really nicely. I figured you would go with something like Tali or another +name starting with T." + +I was suddenly very self-conscious. I dropped my head straight down to avoid +letting them see me blush. I was a guy, right? Guys weren't supposed to +blush, even if I look like a girl. + +I was immediately distracted by my thighs. They were soft looking. My hand +reached out to touch them before my brain could catch up, and the feeling of +my fingers against them was euphoric. + +"Woah," I mouthed. + +"Are you good there?" Eilidh asked, a bemused look on her face. + +I could feel my heartbeat in my face. "Um," I finally answered, "I'm not +sure." + +"Looks like you aren't really in the mindspace to be building much of +anything," Lucere said, "do you want to keep that avitar or start working on a +new one thats a little more what you're used to." + +"I'll keep this one!" I heard shouted. It was my voice, though. I didn't say +that, did I? + +"Like being a woman?" I heard Eilidh ask. + +"I-" I wasn't sure. This was all happening so fast and I didn't really get a +say in any of it. Even my brain was working against me in making this happen. + +We were suddenly on a beach. The sand was a nice cyan colour. + +"I'm going to go join the others, \emph{Vivian}, please feel free to come join +the party once you feel you're ready," Lucere said as she was walking toward a +pop-up tent. "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like. Your boss looks like +\emph{she} could use the company." + +I found myself a little sad, knowing Lucere was going to just abandon me. I +looked over to Eilidh and realized that her hair was a pretty blue. Maybe a +shade darker than the sand we were standing on. + +Eilidh looked at me, locking her gaze with mine. Her eyes were glowing with a +faint green colour. Despite the glow of her magic, I could see the colour of +her irises. They were a deep hazel with flecks of blue, green, and gold +interspersed. + +A pulse of heat radiated from my core that made my skin tingle like it was +electrified. + +"Wow," I whispered, realizing I was holding back tears, "I'm sorry, this is all +really new to me and I'm having a hard time dealing with all of these new +\emph{feelings}." + +"Its fine," she shrugged, "just do whatever you need to. Cry, talk, sit there +brooding like a maniac. Whatever, really. I'll be right here for you. +Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I will offer +whatever help I can." + +Was that dedication to the job or was she this nice all the time? + +"Thank you," I mumbled before leaning against the cliff that towered above me. + +Eilidh sat down next to me and began fiddling with something I couldn't see. + +We sat in a comfortable silence while I held tears back, thinking about +everything. This body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been +less than an hour ago. It was odd, thinking about it. The guy was almost more +of a cage than a person. + +"Am I trans?" I asked, forgetting that Eilidh was next to me. + +"Maybe?" She replied. I \emph{squeeked} in response. + +"Fuck," I mumbled in embarresment, "don't startle me like that." + +"Wow," she said, staring at me making a look I couldn't interpret. "That was +the most \emph{adorable} thing I've ever seen." + +"Adorable?" I asked. I'd never been called adorable. It felt nice? It +certainly felt better than if I'd been called weak or childish for not being +manly enough. + +My face might just be permanently red if people keep telling me stuff like +this. I didn't know that the treatment of women amongs themselves felt so +good. It was addictive. + +It was a part of me that I never thought would see the light of day. I just +didn't realize it was \emph{this}. Being a woman didn't feel quite so bad as I +thought it would. Especially if everyone was going to be this easy going about +it. + +"You look like you're feeling a lot more comfortable," Eilidh stated, "You want +to go join the party?" + +"I guess I'm just going to try this out for a while," I said, resigning myself +to my fate. "No need to put a label on anything yet, so yeah, lets go join the +others." I might as well try it out, right? Everyone already thought I was +trans. + +I got up and brushed the sand from my butt. A deep breath later and I was +following Eilidh over to the tent that was in the center of the beach. Looking +around, I noticed that there were a lot of people, mostly aparant women, +launging in beach chairs that had been setup across the beach. There were +others still who were lounging on towels, playing volley ball, or chatting with +their friends. + +There were quite a few people. I estimated something like fifty or sixty +people, just looking around, but I may have been wrong. Despite that, my +aversion to large crowds wasn't kicking in. + +I noticed I was quite confused by this, but wouldn't question a good thing +until later when I was alone. Though, the concept of 'alone' was being +stretched to its limits. I realized that thinking about the implant I had in +my head. + +The implant that malfunctioned and sent me to a painful and weird void. +Admittedly because I misconfigured it, but the point still stands. This thing +is dangerous. + +Of course, most new technology is dangerous. Like, very dangerous. In the +late parts of the last millenium, humanity had decided to put all of its most +important systems on the net without any concern for security. Only later did +humanity realize how insane that idea actually was. + +As I walk towards a group of magically enabled women in a virtual world +nineteen decades later, we still hadn't recovered from that mess. If anything +security had become at least an afterthought instead of not a thought at all. +There was a sinking feeling in my stomach. + +"Hi," an androgynous voice greeted me as I finally arrived at the tent, "Xela +Melrose, Technology Officer and massive pain in the ass to heterosexuality." + +"Hi," I responded, "newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what +heterosexuality means anymore." + +"Oh," fae responded, "its like, strai-" + +"I know," I interjected, "just not sure if its applicable to anything I +understand." + +"Ah," fae laughed, "well in that case, come by my 'what the fuck is gender, +anyway?' fun house later. We're gonna have cake and break your idea of gender. +Either that or bore the hell out of you. One of the two." + +\emph{Is fae joking?} I asked myself. Couldn't tell and wasn't entirely sure. +I nodded in response before my voice finally found my mouth again, "I'm not +really sure I'm ready for something like that. This is already a hard enough +trip." + +I heard faer humming as fae started to understand. "You must be Tactical +Officer Young. Maybe next time then. How are you enjoying the new digs?" + +"Its complicated," I admitted. Wow, was I really talking with someone I'd +never met about this stuff? + +"How do you feel about the absolutely stellar body you have waiting for you in +the real?" fae asked. + +"Um? I know I have horns, but why don't you enlighten me?" + +"Oh shit, you don't even know?" fae feigned a face of horror, "goddess above +you're gorgeous. A step above anything we've ever seen before. Your perfect +self is something that nobody else could have thought of. I mean, hell, your +wings are this beautiful ice blue. Like morning frost covering an indigo +bloom. And your skin is this beautiful mottling of..." + +I tuned faer out as fae went on about how beautiful my body was. It was neat, +don't get me wrong, but those warm pulses were growing stonger and some of them +were causing anxiety to build up. + +Anxiety that was threatening to burst into a full panic attack. + +"I'll catch you later," I said, somewhat abruptly and awkwardly breaking the +conversation short. "I need to find Lucere." + +Fae nodded and pointed off toward the water. There were a few people lounging +around. I figured one of them might be Lucere. + +"Thanks," I said, then walked off toward the direction Xela had pointed. + +A few people were in my path. Nobody I recognized, and I'd lost Eilidh on our +way to the tent. My thoughts having left my body to find its own way. I'm +sure she was somewhere, but I couldn't be sure where. Maybe she'd be with +Lucere. + +"Hey," a familiar voice greeted, "wasn't expecting to see you here." + +I turned to see Tamaki smiling at me and gave her a nod. + +"You look lost," she said, notes of sympathy resonating in her voice, "anything +I can help you with?" + +"How'd you recognize me?" I asked, admittedly curious. + +"I've got alerts for when implants go into emergency mode," she replied, "I got +a brief rundown of events, and saw the new avatar that was uploaded to your +implant." She paused, noticing the worry on my face. "Only team members can +upload new configurations when an implant fails like that, but I still have to +see what was done in case one of our own in malicious." + +"No cause to believe that, I hope," I stated, asking a question really, but not +wanting to ask that specific question directly. + +"We've had a few cases where demimages have been direct threats to team +members' lives, but never any issues where anyone has uploaded faulty code," +she answered, "implants haven't failed all that frequently. Emergency mode on +those things only happens once every few years across the whole network." + +"Oh," I giggled, "so I really fucked up then." + +"Not really," she admitted, "normally the implant can use predictive analysis +to analyse the DNA structures as their changing, but it appears that your DNA +isn't registering as," a long pause. + +"As what?" I asked, concern pushing that anxiety closer to bursting through the +copper walls of its boiler. + +"Let me preface this by saying you are obviously a living person and we will +always treat you as such," Tamaki said, a serious face accenting the words, +"but your DNA no longer appears to be registering as human. We've had some of +the genetics experts looking into it, but your DNA has a lot less in common +with humans and a lot more in common with demons." + +"Okay, so I'm no longer even human?" I asked. I was surprisingly calm about +this. On the surface. Beneath the surface, the boiler popped. Violently. If +I didn't find somewhere to be alone and fast, I'd be a mess in front of all +these people. + +"We're not entirely sure," she admitted, "we're looking into it. There's a lot +overlap and a lot of fuzzy stuff. We're working on it." + +"Well fuck," I said in a manically sarcastic tone, "jeez, its not enough to +dump gender and sexuality in your lap. Before you've had time to process that, +let me also dump \emph{humanity} in your lap! And lets not forget the entire +fucking concept of \emph{magic}, the rediculously advanced technology that +you've implanted in my head \emph{without any warnings}, and the fact that you +definitely forced me to sleep because I was lost in thought!" + +Anxiety into rage? Very atypical. I'd lost it. My handle on reality was +gone. + diff --git a/src/main.tex b/src/main.tex index b78c56a..cbd95a0 100644 --- a/src/main.tex +++ b/src/main.tex @@ -133,6 +133,10 @@ \textbf{Eilidh:}\newline \subfile{src/chapters/03-b-quicktimeactions} + \mkchap{0x06}{A New Feeling}{21 July 2158 - 1932} + \textbf{Vivian:}\newline + \subfile{src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling} + % Need acknowledgements before enabling this. % \mkack From d8fb8ddbf26403ed4e1d4fc2b6deeff083e15154 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Kararou Makoto Date: Sun, 3 Apr 2022 16:40:06 -0600 Subject: [PATCH 2/4] first run. Awaiting #redpen? --- src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex | 383 +++++++++++++++---------------- 1 file changed, 187 insertions(+), 196 deletions(-) diff --git a/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex b/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex index debab84..ae467c5 100644 --- a/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex +++ b/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex @@ -1,204 +1,194 @@ -The world was writhing pain. Then it wasn't. I had form, I could feel it, but -it kept changing in horrifying and very uncomfortable ways. +The world warped. First it was pain. Then it wasn't. I had form; I could feel +it and its changes, its horrifying and very incomfortable changes. -Just as suddenly as the weird happened, it stopped. I knew I shouldn't have -synced my virtual and physical bodies, but I really just wanted to see myself. -I guess because my body was actively changing, the implant couldn't get a read -and started freaking out. +It had stopped an instant after it happened. -I would ask Lucere about that. +I knew I shouldn't have synced my virtual and physical bodies, but I really +just wanted to see for myself. I figured my implant couldn't get a read on my +const volatile fucking form and flipped out. -The world was full of new colours assaulting me as I opened my eyes. Colours I -thought shouldn't exist, that were nearly impossible to describe. After all, -how do you explain colour to someone who's never seen it? +Reminder to ask Lucere about that. -My headache came back in full force before I could think any longer on the -colours I was seeing. +I opened my eyes and colours pierced me. I could not describe the impossibility +I bore witness to; it would be like explaining technology to a housecat. Also +my headache came back in full. -"What in the fuck did I do that for?" I asked myself aloud. My head felt fuzzy -as I sat up. Aside from the new colours, the room was mostly the same, save a -woman sitting slumped over in the chair to my right. She was pretty. +I groaned. "What in the fuck did I do that for?" With a fuzzy head I sat +up. Chromatic impossibility aside, the room was mostly the same, save the +pretty woman slumped over on a chair to my right. -Her shoulder length hair looked almost white, but off slightly. It had several -highlights of another colour I couldn't describe. Her face was slightly -rounded and framed by slivers of hair. Her eyes glowed of a blue-like colour -that I couldn't put my finger on. +Her shoulder-length hair looked an ever-so-slightly off-white with several +highlights of yet another eldritch impossibility. Slivers of hair framed a +rounded face and her eyes glowed a blue familiar and yet alien. -"You passed," Lucere said. +"You passed," said Lucere. -"Passed what?" I asked. Only now did I realize my voice was high and melodic. -"Wait, what the hell?" +I locked my eyes to her, eyebrows raised. "Passed what?" -I looked down and saw two small lumps on my chest. "What the hell?" I -demanded. +The high melody of my voice signaled an interrupt to all my +thoughts. "Wait. What the hell?" I looked down and found two small lumps +that did not exist before. "What. The. Hell." -"You needed an avatar boss," the girl said, exhaustion seeping through her -voice. +The girl beside me groaned, her exhaustion evident. "You needed an avatar +boss." -"So you just dropped me into a woman's- wait, boss?" I asked, perplexed. I -wasn't her boss, was I? +"So you just dropped me into a woman's-" And somehow I still had a modicum of +situational awareness. "Wait. Boss?" I wasn't her boss, was I? -"Yeah," Lucere responded, through her own exhaustion, "You are her immediate +"Yeah," Lucere replied with exhaustion of her own, "You are her immediate officer. We mentioned you were an officer, right?" "Yeah," I whispered, "I just didn't think it was going to be an immediate type -of thing." I had no idea how to be a leader. I'd worked on software my whole -career in exclusively non-leadership roles. - -I slumped back and put my hands on my forehead. "What's with the new colours?" +of thing." I had no idea how to be a leader. I'd never worked a single day in +any manner of leadership position. Before I flipped out again I did the smart +thing and slumped back with my hands on my forehead. "What's with the new +colours?" "Probably messed up with a setting," my I-guess-an-employee said, "I was really -rushed for time. Fix your settings yourself." +rushed for time; fix your settings yourself." -I nodded and started moving through the menus to change the way that visual -input was processed and started adjusting. Before I knew it, the world looked -normal again. +I nodded, moving through the menus to adjust my visual input processing. +Before I knew it the world was normal again. -"Thank you," I said, realizing I hadn't mentioned it earlier. +"Thank you," I said, realizing I hadn't earlier. "Whatever," she said, "I'm Eilidh. Designation of, um... I guess tactical something or other." -"I'm Talon," I replied. The name didn't really feel right coming from this -honey-sweet voice. "Shit. That doesn't sound right. Lets go with Vivian." -Where had that come from? Had I been thinking about it without realizing it? +"I'm Talon," I replied, saying my name for the first time with such a sweet +tongue, "Shit. That doesn't sound right. Lets go with Vivian." -Was my brain working against me again? +Where had that come from? Had I been thinking about it without realizing +it? Was my brain working against me again? -"Vivian," Lucere laughed, suddenly breaking out of her exhaustion, "wow that -fits really nicely. I figured you would go with something like Tali or another -name starting with T." +"Vivian." Lucere laughed herself back awake, "wow that fits really nicely. I +figured you would go with something like Tali or another name starting with T." -I was suddenly very self-conscious. I dropped my head straight down to avoid -letting them see me blush. I was a guy, right? Guys weren't supposed to -blush, even if I look like a girl. +Self-consciousness became my whole being and I dropped my head straight +down. I was a guy, right? Guys weren't supposed to blush, even if I looked +like a girl. -I was immediately distracted by my thighs. They were soft looking. My hand -reached out to touch them before my brain could catch up, and the feeling of -my fingers against them was euphoric. +I looked to my thighs and found myself distracted once more. They were +soft-looking. Before my brain could catch up my hand reached for them and +bliss lit up my fingertips. "Woah," I mouthed. -"Are you good there?" Eilidh asked, a bemused look on her face. +"Are you good there?" I noticed a bemused look on Eilidh's face after she asked. -I could feel my heartbeat in my face. "Um," I finally answered, "I'm not -sure." +I could feel my heartbeat in my face for a while before finally answering. "Um, +I'm not sure." "Looks like you aren't really in the mindspace to be building much of -anything," Lucere said, "do you want to keep that avitar or start working on a -new one thats a little more what you're used to." +anything," said Lucere, "Do you want to keep that avatar or start working on a +new one that's a little more what you're used to." -"I'll keep this one!" I heard shouted. It was my voice, though. I didn't say -that, did I? +"I'll keep this one!" I heard my voice shout. -"Like being a woman?" I heard Eilidh ask. +Did- did I say that? -"I-" I wasn't sure. This was all happening so fast and I didn't really get a -say in any of it. Even my brain was working against me in making this happen. +"Like being a woman?" Eilidh asked. -We were suddenly on a beach. The sand was a nice cyan colour. +"I-" I wasn't sure. This was all so fast and I get a say in any of it, +really. Even my own brain conspired against me when it came to this. -"I'm going to go join the others, \emph{Vivian}, please feel free to come join -the party once you feel you're ready," Lucere said as she was walking toward a -pop-up tent. "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like. Your boss looks like +I left my inner panic to find myself on a cyan-sanded beach. + +"I'm going to go join the others, \emph{Vivian}; please feel free to come join +the party once you feel you're ready," Lucere said, walking toward a pop-up +tent, "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like. Your boss looks like \emph{she} could use the company." -I found myself a little sad, knowing Lucere was going to just abandon me. I -looked over to Eilidh and realized that her hair was a pretty blue. Maybe a -shade darker than the sand we were standing on. +I found sadness in the knowledge that Lucere would just abandon me. -Eilidh looked at me, locking her gaze with mine. Her eyes were glowing with a -faint green colour. Despite the glow of her magic, I could see the colour of -her irises. They were a deep hazel with flecks of blue, green, and gold -interspersed. +I looked over to Eilidh and realized that her hair was a pretty blue maybe a +shade darker than the sand beneath us. -A pulse of heat radiated from my core that made my skin tingle like it was -electrified. +Eilidh locked her gaze with mine, her eyes alight with a faint green. Seeing +past her magic I found deep hazel interspersed with blue, green, and gold. -"Wow," I whispered, realizing I was holding back tears, "I'm sorry, this is all +A pulse of heat radiated from me and electrified my skin. + +"Wow," I whispered, feeling tears behind my eyes, "I'm sorry; this is all really new to me and I'm having a hard time dealing with all of these new \emph{feelings}." -"Its fine," she shrugged, "just do whatever you need to. Cry, talk, sit there -brooding like a maniac. Whatever, really. I'll be right here for you. -Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I will offer -whatever help I can." +She shrugged. "Its fine; just do whatever you need. Cry, talk, sit there +brooding like a maniac. Whatever, really. I'll be here for +you. Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I will offer +what help I can." Was that dedication to the job or was she this nice all the time? -"Thank you," I mumbled before leaning against the cliff that towered above me. +I mumbled a thank you and leaned against the cliff towering overhead. -Eilidh sat down next to me and began fiddling with something I couldn't see. +Eilidh sat down next to me and fiddled with something out of my sight. We sat +in a comfortable silence, despite my tears threatening to drown me in my own +thoughts. This body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been +less than an hour ago. It was odd, thinking about it; the guy was almost more +cage than person. -We sat in a comfortable silence while I held tears back, thinking about -everything. This body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been -less than an hour ago. It was odd, thinking about it. The guy was almost more -of a cage than a person. +The beach, Eilidh, it all faded away. "Am I trans?" -"Am I trans?" I asked, forgetting that Eilidh was next to me. +"Maybe?" She replied, very much \textbf{not} faded at all. -"Maybe?" She replied. I \emph{squeeked} in response. +I \emph{squeeked} and embarrassment dropped my voive to a mumble. "Fuck. Don't +startle me like that." -"Fuck," I mumbled in embarresment, "don't startle me like that." +She replied with a rather cryptic stare. "Wow," she said, staring at me rather +cryptically,making a look I couldn't interpret. "Wow. That was the most +\emph{adorable} thing I've ever seen." -"Wow," she said, staring at me making a look I couldn't interpret. "That was -the most \emph{adorable} thing I've ever seen." +"Adorable?" I'd never been called adorable. It felt... nice? Certainly +felt better than if I'd been called weak or childish for not being manly +enough. My face risked permanent redness if people just kept telling me stuff +like this. I didn't know the treatment of women among themselves felt so +good it was addictive. -"Adorable?" I asked. I'd never been called adorable. It felt nice? It -certainly felt better than if I'd been called weak or childish for not being -manly enough. +There was a part of me I never thought would see the light of day. I just +didn't realize it was \emph{this}; being a woman wasn't bad as I thought it'd +be, especially if everyone was going to be this easy going about it. -My face might just be permanently red if people keep telling me stuff like -this. I didn't know that the treatment of women amongs themselves felt so -good. It was addictive. +Eilidh smiled and nodded. "You look like you're feeling a lot more +comfortable. You want to go join the party?" -It was a part of me that I never thought would see the light of day. I just -didn't realize it was \emph{this}. Being a woman didn't feel quite so bad as I -thought it would. Especially if everyone was going to be this easy going about -it. - -"You look like you're feeling a lot more comfortable," Eilidh stated, "You want -to go join the party?" - -"I guess I'm just going to try this out for a while," I said, resigning myself -to my fate. "No need to put a label on anything yet, so yeah, lets go join the +I resigned myself to my fate. "I guess I'm just going to try this out for a +while. No need to put a label on anything yet, so yeah; let's go join the others." I might as well try it out, right? Everyone already thought I was trans. -I got up and brushed the sand from my butt. A deep breath later and I was -following Eilidh over to the tent that was in the center of the beach. Looking -around, I noticed that there were a lot of people, mostly aparant women, -launging in beach chairs that had been setup across the beach. There were -others still who were lounging on towels, playing volley ball, or chatting with -their friends. +I got up and brushed the sand from my butt. One deep breath later I followed +Eilidh to the tent in the center of the beach. Looking around, I noticed a lot +of apparent women lounging in beach chairs across the sands, others resting atop +towels, more playing volley ball, and yet more engaged in friendly chatter. -There were quite a few people. I estimated something like fifty or sixty -people, just looking around, but I may have been wrong. Despite that, my -aversion to large crowds wasn't kicking in. +I estimated something like fifty or sixty people being here, but that wasn't +certain. Despite that, I felt no aversion to the crowd. -I noticed I was quite confused by this, but wouldn't question a good thing -until later when I was alone. Though, the concept of 'alone' was being -stretched to its limits. I realized that thinking about the implant I had in -my head. +I noticed I was confused. -The implant that malfunctioned and sent me to a painful and weird void. -Admittedly because I misconfigured it, but the point still stands. This thing -is dangerous. +I wouldn't question a good thing until later when I was alone, though. Well, +for some value of 'alone' that my head implant was outright abusing, the very +same implant that malfunctioned me into a weird painful void. -Of course, most new technology is dangerous. Like, very dangerous. In the -late parts of the last millenium, humanity had decided to put all of its most -important systems on the net without any concern for security. Only later did -humanity realize how insane that idea actually was. +So what if I misconfigured it? It was still \emph{super dangerous!!} -As I walk towards a group of magically enabled women in a virtual world -nineteen decades later, we still hadn't recovered from that mess. If anything -security had become at least an afterthought instead of not a thought at all. -There was a sinking feeling in my stomach. +To be fair, though, most new technology is dangerous. Like, very dangerous. In +the late parts of the last millenium, humanity decided to put all of its most +important systems on the net without care for security. -"Hi," an androgynous voice greeted me as I finally arrived at the tent, "Xela +Only later did humanity realize how insane that idea actually was. + +As I walked towards a group of magical women in a virtual world nineteen decades +later, we still hadn't recovered from that mess. If anything, security had +become at least an afterthought... + +An improvement, but my stomach sunk nonetheless. + +"Hi," an androgynous voice greeted me when I finally entered the tent, "Xela Melrose, Technology Officer and massive pain in the ass to heterosexuality." -"Hi," I responded, "newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what +"Hi," I replied, "newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what heterosexuality means anymore." "Oh," fae responded, "its like, strai-" @@ -206,104 +196,105 @@ heterosexuality means anymore." "I know," I interjected, "just not sure if its applicable to anything I understand." -"Ah," fae laughed, "well in that case, come by my 'what the fuck is gender, +Fae laughed. "Ah. Well in that case, come by my 'what the fuck is gender, anyway?' fun house later. We're gonna have cake and break your idea of gender. -Either that or bore the hell out of you. One of the two." +Either that or bore the hell out of you, one of the two." -\emph{Is fae joking?} I asked myself. Couldn't tell and wasn't entirely sure. -I nodded in response before my voice finally found my mouth again, "I'm not -really sure I'm ready for something like that. This is already a hard enough -trip." +I wondered if fae were joking and I couldn't tell and I wasn't entirely +sure. -I heard faer humming as fae started to understand. "You must be Tactical -Officer Young. Maybe next time then. How are you enjoying the new digs?" +I nodded, voice and mouth united once more. "I'm not really sure I'm ready for +something like that. This is already a hard enough trip." + +I heard faer humming with comprehension. "You must be Tactical Officer +Young. Maybe next time then. How are you enjoying the new digs?" "Its complicated," I admitted. Wow, was I really talking with someone I'd never met about this stuff? "How do you feel about the absolutely stellar body you have waiting for you in -the real?" fae asked. +the real?" -"Um? I know I have horns, but why don't you enlighten me?" +I blinked. "Um, I know I have horns, but why don't you enlighten me?" -"Oh shit, you don't even know?" fae feigned a face of horror, "goddess above -you're gorgeous. A step above anything we've ever seen before. Your perfect -self is something that nobody else could have thought of. I mean, hell, your -wings are this beautiful ice blue. Like morning frost covering an indigo -bloom. And your skin is this beautiful mottling of..." +Faer voice feigned the horrors of the Seelie Court. "Oh shit, you don't even +know? Goddess above, you're gorgeous! A step above anything we've ever seen +before. Your perfect self is something that nobody else could have thought +of! I mean, hell, your wings are this beautiful ice blue, like morning frost +covering an indigo bloom. And your skin is this beautiful mottling of..." -I tuned faer out as fae went on about how beautiful my body was. It was neat, -don't get me wrong, but those warm pulses were growing stonger and some of them -were causing anxiety to build up. +I tuned out faer ramblings about how beautiful my body was. It was neat, but +those warm pulses were growing stonger and so did some anxious ones and I did +not want a panic attack right then and there. -Anxiety that was threatening to burst into a full panic attack. +Make a clean break. -"I'll catch you later," I said, somewhat abruptly and awkwardly breaking the -conversation short. "I need to find Lucere." +"I'll catch you later I need to find Lucere." -Fae nodded and pointed off toward the water. There were a few people lounging -around. I figured one of them might be Lucere. +Exit stage literally anywhere else. -"Thanks," I said, then walked off toward the direction Xela had pointed. +Fae nodded and pointed toward the water. There were a few people there and I +figured one of them might be Lucere. -A few people were in my path. Nobody I recognized, and I'd lost Eilidh on our -way to the tent. My thoughts having left my body to find its own way. I'm -sure she was somewhere, but I couldn't be sure where. Maybe she'd be with -Lucere. +"Thanks!" With that I walked right off in the please-don't-scare-me direction +with a few people in my path. They were nobody I recognized and I'd lost +Eilidh in my daydreaming on the way there. She was somewhere, no idea +where, hopefully with Lucere. -"Hey," a familiar voice greeted, "wasn't expecting to see you here." +I was greeted by a familiar voice. "Hey, wasn't expecting to see you here." I turned to see Tamaki smiling at me and gave her a nod. -"You look lost," she said, notes of sympathy resonating in her voice, "anything -I can help you with?" +"You look lost," she said in notes of sympathy, "Anything I can help you with?" -"How'd you recognize me?" I asked, admittedly curious. +Curiousity took my larynx. "How'd you recognize me?" "I've got alerts for when implants go into emergency mode," she replied, "I got -a brief rundown of events, and saw the new avatar that was uploaded to your -implant." She paused, noticing the worry on my face. "Only team members can -upload new configurations when an implant fails like that, but I still have to -see what was done in case one of our own in malicious." +a brief rundown of events and saw the new avatar." She paused, apparently +noticing the worry on my face. "Only team members can upload new configurations +when an implant fails like that but I still have to see what was done in case +one of our own in malicious." -"No cause to believe that, I hope," I stated, asking a question really, but not +"No cause to believe that I hope," I said, asking a question really, but not wanting to ask that specific question directly. -"We've had a few cases where demimages have been direct threats to team -members' lives, but never any issues where anyone has uploaded faulty code," -she answered, "implants haven't failed all that frequently. Emergency mode on -those things only happens once every few years across the whole network." +She shook her head. "We've had a few cases where demimages directly threatened +team members' lives, but never any issues where anyone has uploaded faulty +code. Implants haven't failed all that frequently. Emergency mode on those +things only happens once every few years across the whole network." -"Oh," I giggled, "so I really fucked up then." +I giggles. "Oh, so I really fucked up then." -"Not really," she admitted, "normally the implant can use predictive analysis -to analyse the DNA structures as their changing, but it appears that your DNA -isn't registering as," a long pause. +Again she shook her head and smiled. "Not really; nnormally the implant can use +predictive analysis to analyse the DNA structures as they're changing, but it +appears yours isn't registering as-" -"As what?" I asked, concern pushing that anxiety closer to bursting through the -copper walls of its boiler. +A long pause. -"Let me preface this by saying you are obviously a living person and we will -always treat you as such," Tamaki said, a serious face accenting the words, -"but your DNA no longer appears to be registering as human. We've had some of -the genetics experts looking into it, but your DNA has a lot less in common -with humans and a lot more in common with demons." +"As what?" My anxiety swelled, catalyzed by concern. My inner boiler wasn't +looking good. -"Okay, so I'm no longer even human?" I asked. I was surprisingly calm about -this. On the surface. Beneath the surface, the boiler popped. Violently. If +Tamaki's voice grew serious. "Let me preface this by saying you are obviously +a living person and we will always treat you as such, but your DNA no longer +appears to be registering as human. We've had some of the genetics experts +looking into it, but your DNA has a lot less in common with humans and a lot +more with demons." + +"Okay, so I'm no longer even human?" On the surface I was surprisingly calm +about this. Underneath, however... the boiler popped. Violently. If I didn't find somewhere to be alone and fast, I'd be a mess in front of all these people. -"We're not entirely sure," she admitted, "we're looking into it. There's a lot -overlap and a lot of fuzzy stuff. We're working on it." +"We're not entirely sure," she admitted, "We're looking into it. There's a lot +of overlap and a lot of fuzzy stuff. We're working on it." -"Well fuck," I said in a manically sarcastic tone, "jeez, its not enough to -dump gender and sexuality in your lap. Before you've had time to process that, -let me also dump \emph{humanity} in your lap! And lets not forget the entire -fucking concept of \emph{magic}, the rediculously advanced technology that -you've implanted in my head \emph{without any warnings}, and the fact that you -definitely forced me to sleep because I was lost in thought!" +Manic sarcasm ensued. "Well fuck, jeez, its not enough to dump gender and +sexuality in your lap; before you've had time to process that, let me also dump +\emph{humanity} in your lap! And lets not forget the entire fucking concept of +\emph{magic}, the ridiculously advanced technology that you've implanted in my +head \emph{without any warnings}, and the fact that you definitely forced me to +sleep because I was lost in thought!" -Anxiety into rage? Very atypical. I'd lost it. My handle on reality was -gone. +System Error: Expected "Anxiety" object, received "Rage" +Segmentation fault From d620364fdecb7c372465f3e3d6f46c7b1e417f73 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Kararou Makoto Date: Thu, 7 Apr 2022 19:06:38 -0600 Subject: [PATCH 3/4] From paper to wire, with a few upgrades. --- src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex | 242 ++++++++++++++++--------------- 1 file changed, 126 insertions(+), 116 deletions(-) diff --git a/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex b/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex index ae467c5..6a21a0f 100644 --- a/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex +++ b/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex @@ -1,143 +1,154 @@ -The world warped. First it was pain. Then it wasn't. I had form; I could feel -it and its changes, its horrifying and very incomfortable changes. +The world warped. -It had stopped an instant after it happened. +First it was pain. -I knew I shouldn't have synced my virtual and physical bodies, but I really -just wanted to see for myself. I figured my implant couldn't get a read on my -const volatile fucking form and flipped out. +Then it wasn't. + +I had form. + +I could feel its changes. + +Its horrifying and very incomfortable changes. + +An instant later, it stopped. + +I knew I shouldn't have synced my physical and virtual bodies, but I really +wanted to see for myself. + +I figured my implant couldn't get a read on my const volatile fucking form and +flipped out. Reminder to ask Lucere about that. -I opened my eyes and colours pierced me. I could not describe the impossibility -I bore witness to; it would be like explaining technology to a housecat. Also -my headache came back in full. +I opened my eyes and colours pierced into me. I couldn't describe the +impossibility I bore witness to; it would be like teaching a housecat +technology. -I groaned. "What in the fuck did I do that for?" With a fuzzy head I sat -up. Chromatic impossibility aside, the room was mostly the same, save the -pretty woman slumped over on a chair to my right. +Anyway my headache came back in full and I groaned. "What in the fuck did I do +that for?" -Her shoulder-length hair looked an ever-so-slightly off-white with several -highlights of yet another eldritch impossibility. Slivers of hair framed a -rounded face and her eyes glowed a blue familiar and yet alien. +With a fuzzy head I sat up. Chromatic impossibility aside, the room looked +mostly the same, save the pretty woman slumped on a chair to my right. + +Her shoulder-length hair looked ever-so-slightly-off-white with several +highlights of yet another impossibility, framing a rounded face. Her eyes +glowed a blue, familiar, yet alien. "You passed," said Lucere. -I locked my eyes to her, eyebrows raised. "Passed what?" +I snapped my gaze to her, eyebrows raised. "Passed what?" -The high melody of my voice signaled an interrupt to all my -thoughts. "Wait. What the hell?" I looked down and found two small lumps -that did not exist before. "What. The. Hell." +The melody in my voice signaled me an interrupt. "Wait. What the hell?" I +looked down at two small lumps that \eph{were not there before}. "What. +The. Hell." The girl beside me groaned, her exhaustion evident. "You needed an avatar boss." -"So you just dropped me into a woman's-" And somehow I still had a modicum of -situational awareness. "Wait. Boss?" I wasn't her boss, was I? +"So you just dropped me into a woman's-" Somehow I still had a modicum of +awareness. "Wait. Boss?" -"Yeah," Lucere replied with exhaustion of her own, "You are her immediate +I wasn't her boss, was I? + +"Yeah," Lucere replied with her own fatigue, "You are her immediate officer. We mentioned you were an officer, right?" -"Yeah," I whispered, "I just didn't think it was going to be an immediate type -of thing." I had no idea how to be a leader. I'd never worked a single day in -any manner of leadership position. Before I flipped out again I did the smart -thing and slumped back with my hands on my forehead. "What's with the new -colours?" +"Yeah," I whispered, "I just didn't think it was gonna be an immediate type +of thing." I had no clue how to lead. Never had I worked a single day in +that kind of capacity. -"Probably messed up with a setting," my I-guess-an-employee said, "I was really -rushed for time; fix your settings yourself." +Before I flipped out again I did the smart thing and plopped back down with my +hands on my forehead. "What's with the new colours?" -I nodded, moving through the menus to adjust my visual input processing. +"Probably messed up a setting," my I-guess-an-employee said, "I was really +rushed for time; fix it yourself." + +I nodded and surfed through the menus to adjust my visual input processing. Before I knew it the world was normal again. "Thank you," I said, realizing I hadn't earlier. -"Whatever," she said, "I'm Eilidh. Designation of, um... I guess tactical -something or other." +"Whatever; I'm Eilidh. Designation of, um... I guess tactical +something-or-other." -"I'm Talon," I replied, saying my name for the first time with such a sweet -tongue, "Shit. That doesn't sound right. Lets go with Vivian." +"I'm Talon," I said for the first time with the new voice, "Shit. That doesn't +sound right. Let's go with Vivian." -Where had that come from? Had I been thinking about it without realizing -it? Was my brain working against me again? +Where did that come from? Had I been thinking about it without +realizing? Was my brain subverting me again? -"Vivian." Lucere laughed herself back awake, "wow that fits really nicely. I -figured you would go with something like Tali or another name starting with T." +Lucere laughed herself back awake. "Vivian... wow that fits really nicely. I +figured you would go with something like Tali: keep the first letter a T." -Self-consciousness became my whole being and I dropped my head straight -down. I was a guy, right? Guys weren't supposed to blush, even if I looked -like a girl. +I grew far too aware of myself and dropped my head straight down. I was a +guy. Right? Guys weren't supposed to blush. Even if I looked like a girl. -I looked to my thighs and found myself distracted once more. They were -soft-looking. Before my brain could catch up my hand reached for them and -bliss lit up my fingertips. +I saw my thighs and lost myself yet again. They looked really soft. Before +my brain could catch up my hand reached and bliss alit my tips. "Woah," I mouthed. -"Are you good there?" I noticed a bemused look on Eilidh's face after she asked. +"Are you good there?" Eilidh asked. I looked up to her bemused face. -I could feel my heartbeat in my face for a while before finally answering. "Um, -I'm not sure." +I felt my pulse in my face for a bit before I answered. "Um, I'm not sure." -"Looks like you aren't really in the mindspace to be building much of -anything," said Lucere, "Do you want to keep that avatar or start working on a -new one that's a little more what you're used to." +"Looks like you aren't really in the headspace to build much of +anything," said Lucere, "Do you want to keep that avatar or start on one +a little more what you're used to?" -"I'll keep this one!" I heard my voice shout. - -Did- did I say that? +"I'll keep this one!" Did- did I say that? "Like being a woman?" Eilidh asked. -"I-" I wasn't sure. This was all so fast and I get a say in any of it, -really. Even my own brain conspired against me when it came to this. +"I-" I wasn't sure. This was all so fast and I got a say in none of +it. Even my brain worked against me here. -I left my inner panic to find myself on a cyan-sanded beach. +I left my inner panic and returned to a cyan-sanded beach. "I'm going to go join the others, \emph{Vivian}; please feel free to come join -the party once you feel you're ready," Lucere said, walking toward a pop-up -tent, "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like. Your boss looks like +the party once you feel you're ready." Lucere walked toward a pop-up +tent. "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like. Your boss looks like \emph{she} could use the company." -I found sadness in the knowledge that Lucere would just abandon me. +In the idea that Lucere would just abandon me I found sorrow. -I looked over to Eilidh and realized that her hair was a pretty blue maybe a -shade darker than the sand beneath us. +I looked to Eilidh and realized her hair was a pretty blue maybe a shade darker +than the sand underfoot. -Eilidh locked her gaze with mine, her eyes alight with a faint green. Seeing -past her magic I found deep hazel interspersed with blue, green, and gold. +Eilidh locked her gaze with mine, her eyes alight, a faint green. Seeing past +her magic I found deep hazel interspersed with blue, green, and gold. A pulse of heat radiated from me and electrified my skin. -"Wow," I whispered, feeling tears behind my eyes, "I'm sorry; this is all +"Wow," I whispered, feeling tears in my eyes, "I'm sorry; this is all really new to me and I'm having a hard time dealing with all of these new \emph{feelings}." She shrugged. "Its fine; just do whatever you need. Cry, talk, sit there brooding like a maniac. Whatever, really. I'll be here for -you. Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I will offer +you. Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I'll offer what help I can." Was that dedication to the job or was she this nice all the time? I mumbled a thank you and leaned against the cliff towering overhead. -Eilidh sat down next to me and fiddled with something out of my sight. We sat -in a comfortable silence, despite my tears threatening to drown me in my own -thoughts. This body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been -less than an hour ago. It was odd, thinking about it; the guy was almost more -cage than person. +Eilidh sat next to me and fiddled with something out of sight. We sat +in comfortable silence, despite my tears welling up, despite my thoughts. This +body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been less than an hour +ago. + +It was odd, thinking about it; the guy was almost more cage than person. The beach, Eilidh, it all faded away. "Am I trans?" "Maybe?" She replied, very much \textbf{not} faded at all. -I \emph{squeeked} and embarrassment dropped my voive to a mumble. "Fuck. Don't -startle me like that." +I \emph{squeeked} and mumbled in embarrassment "Fuck. Don't startle me like +that." -She replied with a rather cryptic stare. "Wow," she said, staring at me rather -cryptically,making a look I couldn't interpret. "Wow. That was the most -\emph{adorable} thing I've ever seen." +She gave a rather cryptic stare. "Wow. That was the most \emph{adorable} thing +I've ever seen." "Adorable?" I'd never been called adorable. It felt... nice? Certainly felt better than if I'd been called weak or childish for not being manly @@ -147,53 +158,51 @@ good it was addictive. There was a part of me I never thought would see the light of day. I just didn't realize it was \emph{this}; being a woman wasn't bad as I thought it'd -be, especially if everyone was going to be this easy going about it. +be, especially if everyone was going to be this easy-going about it. Eilidh smiled and nodded. "You look like you're feeling a lot more -comfortable. You want to go join the party?" +comfortable. Wanna join the party?" -I resigned myself to my fate. "I guess I'm just going to try this out for a +I resigned myself to fate. "I guess I'm just going to try this out for a while. No need to put a label on anything yet, so yeah; let's go join the -others." I might as well try it out, right? Everyone already thought I was -trans. +others." I might as well, right? Everyone already thought I was trans. I got up and brushed the sand from my butt. One deep breath later I followed -Eilidh to the tent in the center of the beach. Looking around, I noticed a lot -of apparent women lounging in beach chairs across the sands, others resting atop -towels, more playing volley ball, and yet more engaged in friendly chatter. +Eilidh to the tent in the middle. Looking around I noticed a lot of apparent +women lounging in beach chairs, others resting atop towels, more playing +volleyball, and yet more chattering amiably. -I estimated something like fifty or sixty people being here, but that wasn't +I estimated something like fifty or sixty people here, but wasn't certain. Despite that, I felt no aversion to the crowd. I noticed I was confused. I wouldn't question a good thing until later when I was alone, though. Well, -for some value of 'alone' that my head implant was outright abusing, the very -same implant that malfunctioned me into a weird painful void. +for some value of 'alone' that my implant was outright abusing. The very same +implant that malfunctioned me into a weird painful void. So what if I misconfigured it? It was still \emph{super dangerous!!} -To be fair, though, most new technology is dangerous. Like, very dangerous. In -the late parts of the last millenium, humanity decided to put all of its most +To be fair, though, most new technology is dangerous. Like, very dangerous. + +In the late parts of the last millenium, humanity decided to put all of its most important systems on the net without care for security. Only later did humanity realize how insane that idea actually was. -As I walked towards a group of magical women in a virtual world nineteen decades -later, we still hadn't recovered from that mess. If anything, security had -become at least an afterthought... +In a virtual world with magical nineteen decades later, we still hadn't +recovered from that mess. If anything, security had become at least an +afterthought; an improvement, but my stomach sunk nonetheless. -An improvement, but my stomach sunk nonetheless. - -"Hi," an androgynous voice greeted me when I finally entered the tent, "Xela +When I finally entered the tent an androgynous voice greeted me. "Hi. Xela Melrose, Technology Officer and massive pain in the ass to heterosexuality." -"Hi," I replied, "newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what +"Hi," I replied, "Newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what heterosexuality means anymore." "Oh," fae responded, "its like, strai-" -"I know," I interjected, "just not sure if its applicable to anything I +"I know," I interjected, "Just, not sure if its applicable to anything I understand." Fae laughed. "Ah. Well in that case, come by my 'what the fuck is gender, @@ -203,11 +212,11 @@ Either that or bore the hell out of you, one of the two." I wondered if fae were joking and I couldn't tell and I wasn't entirely sure. -I nodded, voice and mouth united once more. "I'm not really sure I'm ready for +I nodded, voice and mouth once more in sync. "I'm not really sure I'm ready for something like that. This is already a hard enough trip." -I heard faer humming with comprehension. "You must be Tactical Officer -Young. Maybe next time then. How are you enjoying the new digs?" +Faer hummed with comprehension. "You must be Tactical Officer Young. Maybe +next time then. How are you enjoying the new digs?" "Its complicated," I admitted. Wow, was I really talking with someone I'd never met about this stuff? @@ -220,12 +229,12 @@ I blinked. "Um, I know I have horns, but why don't you enlighten me?" Faer voice feigned the horrors of the Seelie Court. "Oh shit, you don't even know? Goddess above, you're gorgeous! A step above anything we've ever seen before. Your perfect self is something that nobody else could have thought -of! I mean, hell, your wings are this beautiful ice blue, like morning frost +of! I mean, hell, your wings are this beautiful ice blue like morning frost covering an indigo bloom. And your skin is this beautiful mottling of..." -I tuned out faer ramblings about how beautiful my body was. It was neat, but -those warm pulses were growing stonger and so did some anxious ones and I did -not want a panic attack right then and there. +I tuned out faer ramblings about my body. It was neat, but those warm pulses +were growing stonger and so did some anxious ones. I did not want a panic +attack right then and there. Make a clean break. @@ -233,37 +242,37 @@ Make a clean break. Exit stage literally anywhere else. -Fae nodded and pointed toward the water. There were a few people there and I +Fae nodded and pointed toward the water. There were a few people and I figured one of them might be Lucere. "Thanks!" With that I walked right off in the please-don't-scare-me direction with a few people in my path. They were nobody I recognized and I'd lost -Eilidh in my daydreaming on the way there. She was somewhere, no idea -where, hopefully with Lucere. +Eilidh in my daydreaming prior. She was somewhere, no idea where, hopefully +with Lucere. -I was greeted by a familiar voice. "Hey, wasn't expecting to see you here." +I arrived to a familiar voice. "Hey, wasn't expecting to see you here." -I turned to see Tamaki smiling at me and gave her a nod. +I turned to Tamaki's smile and nodded. "You look lost," she said in notes of sympathy, "Anything I can help you with?" Curiousity took my larynx. "How'd you recognize me?" -"I've got alerts for when implants go into emergency mode," she replied, "I got +"I get alerts when implants go into emergency mode," she replied, "I got a brief rundown of events and saw the new avatar." She paused, apparently noticing the worry on my face. "Only team members can upload new configurations when an implant fails like that but I still have to see what was done in case -one of our own in malicious." +one of our own is malicious." "No cause to believe that I hope," I said, asking a question really, but not -wanting to ask that specific question directly. +wanting to be that direct. She shook her head. "We've had a few cases where demimages directly threatened -team members' lives, but never any issues where anyone has uploaded faulty +team members' lives, but never any issues where anyone uploaded faulty code. Implants haven't failed all that frequently. Emergency mode on those things only happens once every few years across the whole network." -I giggles. "Oh, so I really fucked up then." +I giggled. "Oh, so I really fucked up then." Again she shook her head and smiled. "Not really; nnormally the implant can use predictive analysis to analyse the DNA structures as they're changing, but it @@ -285,10 +294,11 @@ about this. Underneath, however... the boiler popped. Violently. If I didn't find somewhere to be alone and fast, I'd be a mess in front of all these people. -"We're not entirely sure," she admitted, "We're looking into it. There's a lot -of overlap and a lot of fuzzy stuff. We're working on it." +"We're not entirely sure; we're looking into it. There's a lot of overlap and +a +lot of fuzzy stuff. We're working on it." -Manic sarcasm ensued. "Well fuck, jeez, its not enough to dump gender and +Enter manic sarcasm . "Well fuck, jeez, its not enough to dump gender and sexuality in your lap; before you've had time to process that, let me also dump \emph{humanity} in your lap! And lets not forget the entire fucking concept of \emph{magic}, the ridiculously advanced technology that you've implanted in my From 75d7e38b3bf80e2f7dea09dc7f50a883fc60ba85 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Ren Kararou Date: Sat, 16 Jul 2022 20:34:49 -0500 Subject: [PATCH 4/4] finalizing changes --- src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex | 253 +++++++++---------------------- 1 file changed, 74 insertions(+), 179 deletions(-) diff --git a/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex b/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex index 6a21a0f..3200224 100644 --- a/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex +++ b/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex @@ -12,243 +12,163 @@ Its horrifying and very incomfortable changes. An instant later, it stopped. -I knew I shouldn't have synced my physical and virtual bodies, but I really -wanted to see for myself. +I knew I shouldn't have synced my physical and virtual bodies, but I really wanted to see for myself. -I figured my implant couldn't get a read on my const volatile fucking form and -flipped out. +I figured my implant couldn't get a read on my const volatile fucking form and flipped out. Reminder to ask Lucere about that. -I opened my eyes and colours pierced into me. I couldn't describe the -impossibility I bore witness to; it would be like teaching a housecat -technology. +I opened my eyes and colours pierced into me. I couldn't describe the impossibility I bore witness to; it would be like teaching a housecat technology. -Anyway my headache came back in full and I groaned. "What in the fuck did I do -that for?" +Anyway my headache came back in full and I groaned. "What in the fuck did I do that for?" -With a fuzzy head I sat up. Chromatic impossibility aside, the room looked -mostly the same, save the pretty woman slumped on a chair to my right. +With a fuzzy head I sat up. Chromatic impossibility aside, the room looked mostly the same, save the pretty woman slumped on a chair to my right. -Her shoulder-length hair looked ever-so-slightly-off-white with several -highlights of yet another impossibility, framing a rounded face. Her eyes -glowed a blue, familiar, yet alien. +Her shoulder-length hair looked ever-so-slightly-off-white with several highlights of yet another impossibility, framing a rounded face. Her eyes glowed a blue, familiar, yet alien. "You passed," said Lucere. I snapped my gaze to her, eyebrows raised. "Passed what?" -The melody in my voice signaled me an interrupt. "Wait. What the hell?" I -looked down at two small lumps that \eph{were not there before}. "What. -The. Hell." +The melody in my voice signaled me an interrupt. "Wait. What the hell?" I looked down at two small lumps that \eph{were not there before}. "What. The. Hell." -The girl beside me groaned, her exhaustion evident. "You needed an avatar -boss." +The girl beside me groaned, her exhaustion evident. "You needed an avatar boss." -"So you just dropped me into a woman's-" Somehow I still had a modicum of -awareness. "Wait. Boss?" +"So you just dropped me into a woman's-" Somehow I still had a modicum of awareness. "Wait. Boss?" I wasn't her boss, was I? -"Yeah," Lucere replied with her own fatigue, "You are her immediate -officer. We mentioned you were an officer, right?" +"Yeah," Lucere replied with her own fatigue, "You are her immediate officer. We mentioned you were an officer, right?" -"Yeah," I whispered, "I just didn't think it was gonna be an immediate type -of thing." I had no clue how to lead. Never had I worked a single day in -that kind of capacity. +"Yeah," I whispered, "I just didn't think it was gonna be an immediate type of thing." I had no clue how to lead. Never had I worked a single day in that kind of capacity. -Before I flipped out again I did the smart thing and plopped back down with my -hands on my forehead. "What's with the new colours?" +Before I flipped out again I did the smart thing and plopped back down with my hands on my forehead. "What's with the new colours?" -"Probably messed up a setting," my I-guess-an-employee said, "I was really -rushed for time; fix it yourself." +"Probably messed up a setting," my I-guess-an-employee said, "I was really rushed for time; fix it yourself." -I nodded and surfed through the menus to adjust my visual input processing. -Before I knew it the world was normal again. +I nodded and surfed through the menus to adjust my visual input processing. Before I knew it the world was normal again. "Thank you," I said, realizing I hadn't earlier. -"Whatever; I'm Eilidh. Designation of, um... I guess tactical -something-or-other." +"Whatever; I'm Eilidh. Designation of, um... I guess tactical something-or-other." -"I'm Talon," I said for the first time with the new voice, "Shit. That doesn't -sound right. Let's go with Vivian." +"I'm Talon," I said for the first time with the new voice, "Shit. That doesn't sound right. Let's go with Vivian." -Where did that come from? Had I been thinking about it without -realizing? Was my brain subverting me again? +Where did that come from? Had I been thinking about it without realizing? Was my brain subverting me again? -Lucere laughed herself back awake. "Vivian... wow that fits really nicely. I -figured you would go with something like Tali: keep the first letter a T." +Lucere laughed herself back awake. "Vivian... wow that fits really nicely. I figured you would go with something like Tali: keep the first letter a T." -I grew far too aware of myself and dropped my head straight down. I was a -guy. Right? Guys weren't supposed to blush. Even if I looked like a girl. +I grew far too aware of myself and dropped my head straight down. I was a guy. Right? Guys weren't supposed to blush. Even if I looked like a girl. -I saw my thighs and lost myself yet again. They looked really soft. Before -my brain could catch up my hand reached and bliss alit my tips. +I saw my thighs and lost myself yet again. They looked really soft. Before my brain could catch up my hand reached and bliss alit my tips. "Woah," I mouthed. -"Are you good there?" Eilidh asked. I looked up to her bemused face. +"Are you good there?" Eilidh asked. I looked up to see her wearing a bemused look. I felt my pulse in my face for a bit before I answered. "Um, I'm not sure." -"Looks like you aren't really in the headspace to build much of -anything," said Lucere, "Do you want to keep that avatar or start on one -a little more what you're used to?" +"Looks like you aren't really in the headspace to build much of anything," said Lucere, "Do you want to keep that avatar or start on one a little more what you're used to?" "I'll keep this one!" Did- did I say that? "Like being a woman?" Eilidh asked. -"I-" I wasn't sure. This was all so fast and I got a say in none of -it. Even my brain worked against me here. +"I-" I wasn't sure. This was all so fast and I got a say in none of it. Even my brain worked against me here. -I left my inner panic and returned to a cyan-sanded beach. +I left my inner panic for a moment to see Lucere touching unseen menus. In an instant, we had returned to the cyan-sanded beach. -"I'm going to go join the others, \emph{Vivian}; please feel free to come join -the party once you feel you're ready." Lucere walked toward a pop-up -tent. "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like. Your boss looks like -\emph{she} could use the company." +"I'm going to go join the others, \emph{Vivian}; please feel free to come join the party once you feel you're ready." Lucere walked toward a pop-up tent. "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like. Though, your boss looks like \emph{she} could use the company." In the idea that Lucere would just abandon me I found sorrow. -I looked to Eilidh and realized her hair was a pretty blue maybe a shade darker -than the sand underfoot. +I looked to Eilidh and realized her hair was a pretty blue maybe a shade darker than the sand underfoot. -Eilidh locked her gaze with mine, her eyes alight, a faint green. Seeing past -her magic I found deep hazel interspersed with blue, green, and gold. +Eilidh locked her gaze with mine, her eyes alight, a faint green. Seeing past her magic I found deep hazel interspersed with blue, green, and gold. A pulse of heat radiated from me and electrified my skin. -"Wow," I whispered, feeling tears in my eyes, "I'm sorry; this is all -really new to me and I'm having a hard time dealing with all of these new -\emph{feelings}." +"Wow," I whispered, feeling tears in my eyes, "I'm sorry; this is all really new to me and I'm having a hard time dealing with all of these new \emph{feelings}." -She shrugged. "Its fine; just do whatever you need. Cry, talk, sit there -brooding like a maniac. Whatever, really. I'll be here for -you. Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I'll offer -what help I can." +She shrugged. "Its fine; just do whatever you need. Cry, talk, sit there brooding like a maniac. Whatever, really. I'll be here for you. Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I'll offer what help I can." -Was that dedication to the job or was she this nice all the time? +I mumbled a thank you and leaned against the cliff towering overhead, feeling thankful to have a friend. -I mumbled a thank you and leaned against the cliff towering overhead. +Eilidh sat next to me and fiddled with something out of sight. We sat in comfortable silence, despite my tears welling up, despite my thoughts. This body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been less than an hour ago. -Eilidh sat next to me and fiddled with something out of sight. We sat -in comfortable silence, despite my tears welling up, despite my thoughts. This -body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been less than an hour -ago. +It was odd, thinking about it; the guy was almost more cage than person. I still wasn't sure what to think of that. -It was odd, thinking about it; the guy was almost more cage than person. +The beach, Eilidh, it all faded away as I sat there, lost in thought. -The beach, Eilidh, it all faded away. "Am I trans?" +This was a peculiar problem. I never thought it would feel so good to be a girl. Sure, I'd taken some trips in virtual reality before, but just seeing a girl when I looked down was a whole lot different than this. And this felt so very right. -"Maybe?" She replied, very much \textbf{not} faded at all. +Maybe they'd been right. "I am trans?" -I \emph{squeeked} and mumbled in embarrassment "Fuck. Don't startle me like -that." +"Maybe?" Eilidh replied, very much to my surprise. -She gave a rather cryptic stare. "Wow. That was the most \emph{adorable} thing -I've ever seen." +I \emph{squeeked} and mumbled in embarrassment "Fuck. Don't startle me like that." -"Adorable?" I'd never been called adorable. It felt... nice? Certainly -felt better than if I'd been called weak or childish for not being manly -enough. My face risked permanent redness if people just kept telling me stuff -like this. I didn't know the treatment of women among themselves felt so -good it was addictive. +She gave a rather cryptic stare. "Wow. That was the most \emph{adorable} thing I've ever seen." -There was a part of me I never thought would see the light of day. I just -didn't realize it was \emph{this}; being a woman wasn't bad as I thought it'd -be, especially if everyone was going to be this easy-going about it. +"Adorable?" I'd never been called adorable. It felt... nice? Certainly felt better than if I'd been called weak or childish for not being manly enough. My face risked permanent redness if people just kept telling me stuff like this. And I probably risked addiction. -Eilidh smiled and nodded. "You look like you're feeling a lot more -comfortable. Wanna join the party?" +Eilidh smiled and nodded. "You look like you're feeling a lot more comfortable. Wanna join the party?" -I resigned myself to fate. "I guess I'm just going to try this out for a -while. No need to put a label on anything yet, so yeah; let's go join the -others." I might as well, right? Everyone already thought I was trans. +I resigned myself to fate. "I guess I'm just going to try this out for a while. No need to put a label on anything yet, so yeah; let's go join the others." I might as well, right? Maybe it would be good for me. -I got up and brushed the sand from my butt. One deep breath later I followed -Eilidh to the tent in the middle. Looking around I noticed a lot of apparent -women lounging in beach chairs, others resting atop towels, more playing -volleyball, and yet more chattering amiably. +I got up and brushed the sand from my butt. Feeling my hips and butt so viscerally made me faulter. They were a lot wider than I'd expected. And softer, too. I tried putting it out of my mind. -I estimated something like fifty or sixty people here, but wasn't -certain. Despite that, I felt no aversion to the crowd. +One deep breath later I followed Eilidh to the tent in the middle of the alcove. Looking around I noticed a lot of people lounging in beach chairs, others resting atop towels, more playing volleyball, and yet more chattering amiably. + +I estimated something like fifty or sixty people here, but wasn't certain. Despite that, and much to my surprise, I felt no aversion to the crowd. I noticed I was confused. -I wouldn't question a good thing until later when I was alone, though. Well, -for some value of 'alone' that my implant was outright abusing. The very same -implant that malfunctioned me into a weird painful void. +I wouldn't question a good thing until later when I was alone, though. Well, for whatever value of 'alone' that my implant would allow. The very same implant that malfunctioned me into a weird painful void. -So what if I misconfigured it? It was still \emph{super dangerous!!} +So what if I misconfigured it? It was still \emph{super dangerous!} -To be fair, though, most new technology is dangerous. Like, very dangerous. +To be fair to it, most new technology is dangerous. Like, very dangerous. -In the late parts of the last millenium, humanity decided to put all of its most -important systems on the net without care for security. +For example, in the late parts of the last millenium, humanity decided to put all of its most important systems on the net without care for security. -Only later did humanity realize how insane that idea actually was. +Only later did we realize how insane that idea actually was. -In a virtual world with magical nineteen decades later, we still hadn't -recovered from that mess. If anything, security had become at least an -afterthought; an improvement, but my stomach sunk nonetheless. +In a virtual world nineteen decades later, we still hadn't recovered from that mess. If anything, security had become at least an afterthought; an improvement, but my stomach sunk nonetheless. -When I finally entered the tent an androgynous voice greeted me. "Hi. Xela -Melrose, Technology Officer and massive pain in the ass to heterosexuality." +When I finally entered the tent an androgynous voice greeted me. "Hi. Xela Melrose, Technology Officer and massive pain in the ass to heterosexuality." -"Hi," I replied, "Newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what -heterosexuality means anymore." +"Hi," I replied sheepishly, "Newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what heterosexuality means anymore." "Oh," fae responded, "its like, strai-" -"I know," I interjected, "Just, not sure if its applicable to anything I -understand." +"I know," I interjected, "Just, not sure if its applicable to anything I understand." -Fae laughed. "Ah. Well in that case, come by my 'what the fuck is gender, -anyway?' fun house later. We're gonna have cake and break your idea of gender. -Either that or bore the hell out of you, one of the two." +Fae laughed. "Ah. Well in that case, come by my 'what the fuck is gender, anyway?' fun house later. We're gonna have cake and break your idea of gender. Either that or bore the hell out of you, one of the two." -I wondered if fae were joking and I couldn't tell and I wasn't entirely -sure. +I wondered if fae wes joking. I couldn't tell and wasn't entirely sure. -I nodded, voice and mouth once more in sync. "I'm not really sure I'm ready for -something like that. This is already a hard enough trip." +I nodded. "I'm not really sure I'm ready for something like that. This is already a hard enough week." -Faer hummed with comprehension. "You must be Tactical Officer Young. Maybe -next time then. How are you enjoying the new digs?" +Fae hummed with comprehension. "You must be Tactical Officer Young. Maybe next time then. How are you enjoying the new digs?" -"Its complicated," I admitted. Wow, was I really talking with someone I'd -never met about this stuff? +"Its complicated," I admitted. Wow, was I really talking with someone I'd never met about this stuff? -"How do you feel about the absolutely stellar body you have waiting for you in -the real?" +"How do you feel about the absolutely stellar body you have waiting for you in the real?" I blinked. "Um, I know I have horns, but why don't you enlighten me?" -Faer voice feigned the horrors of the Seelie Court. "Oh shit, you don't even -know? Goddess above, you're gorgeous! A step above anything we've ever seen -before. Your perfect self is something that nobody else could have thought -of! I mean, hell, your wings are this beautiful ice blue like morning frost -covering an indigo bloom. And your skin is this beautiful mottling of..." +Fae feigned a look of horror. "Oh shit, you don't even know? Goddess above, you're gorgeous! A step above anything we've ever seen before. Your perfect self is something that nobody else could have thought of. I mean, hell, your wings are this beautiful ice blue like morning frost covering an indigo bloom. And your skin is this beautiful mottling of..." -I tuned out faer ramblings about my body. It was neat, but those warm pulses -were growing stonger and so did some anxious ones. I did not want a panic -attack right then and there. +I tuned out faer ramblings about my body. It was neat, but those warm pulses were growing stonger along side my steadily rising anxiety. I did not want a panic attack right then and there. -Make a clean break. - -"I'll catch you later I need to find Lucere." +Needing to make a clean break, I mumbled, "I'll catch you later I need to find Lucere." Exit stage literally anywhere else. -Fae nodded and pointed toward the water. There were a few people and I -figured one of them might be Lucere. +Fae nodded and pointed toward the water. There were a few people and I figured one of them might be Lucere. -"Thanks!" With that I walked right off in the please-don't-scare-me direction -with a few people in my path. They were nobody I recognized and I'd lost -Eilidh in my daydreaming prior. She was somewhere, no idea where, hopefully -with Lucere. +"Thanks!" With that I walked right off in the please-don't-scare-me direction with a few people in my path. They was nobody I recognized and I'd lost Eilidh in my conversation prior. She was somewhere, no idea where, but hopefully with Lucere. I arrived to a familiar voice. "Hey, wasn't expecting to see you here." @@ -258,52 +178,27 @@ I turned to Tamaki's smile and nodded. Curiousity took my larynx. "How'd you recognize me?" -"I get alerts when implants go into emergency mode," she replied, "I got -a brief rundown of events and saw the new avatar." She paused, apparently -noticing the worry on my face. "Only team members can upload new configurations -when an implant fails like that but I still have to see what was done in case -one of our own is malicious." +"I get alerts when implants go into emergency mode," she replied, "I got a brief rundown of events and saw the new avatar." She paused, apparently noticing the worry on my face. "Only team members can upload new configurations when an implant fails like that but I still have to see what was done in case one of our own is malicious." -"No cause to believe that I hope," I said, asking a question really, but not -wanting to be that direct. +"No cause to believe that I hope," I said, asking a question really, but not wanting to be that direct. -She shook her head. "We've had a few cases where demimages directly threatened -team members' lives, but never any issues where anyone uploaded faulty -code. Implants haven't failed all that frequently. Emergency mode on those -things only happens once every few years across the whole network." +She shook her head. "We've had a few cases where demimages directly threatened team members' lives, but never any issues where anyone uploaded faulty code. Implants haven't failed all that frequently. Emergency mode on those things only happens once every few years across the whole network." I giggled. "Oh, so I really fucked up then." -Again she shook her head and smiled. "Not really; nnormally the implant can use -predictive analysis to analyse the DNA structures as they're changing, but it -appears yours isn't registering as-" +Again she shook her head and smiled. "Not really; normally the implant can use predictive analysis to analyse the DNA structures as they're changing, but it appears yours isn't registering as-" A long pause. -"As what?" My anxiety swelled, catalyzed by concern. My inner boiler wasn't -looking good. +"As what?" My anxiety swelled, catalyzed by concern. My inner boiler wasn't looking good. -Tamaki's voice grew serious. "Let me preface this by saying you are obviously -a living person and we will always treat you as such, but your DNA no longer -appears to be registering as human. We've had some of the genetics experts -looking into it, but your DNA has a lot less in common with humans and a lot -more with demons." +Tamaki's voice grew serious. "Let me preface this by saying you are obviously a living person and we will always treat you as such, but your DNA no longer appears to be registering as human. We've had some of the genetics experts looking into it, but your DNA is starting to look more demonic in nature." -"Okay, so I'm no longer even human?" On the surface I was surprisingly calm -about this. Underneath, however... the boiler popped. Violently. If -I didn't find somewhere to be alone and fast, I'd be a mess in front of all -these people. +"Okay, so I'm no longer even human?" On the surface I was surprisingly calm about this. Underneath, however... the boiler popped. Violently. If I didn't find somewhere to be alone and fast, I'd be a mess in front of all these people. -"We're not entirely sure; we're looking into it. There's a lot of overlap and -a -lot of fuzzy stuff. We're working on it." +"We're not entirely sure; we're looking into it. There's a lot of overlap and a lot of fuzzy stuff. We're working on it." -Enter manic sarcasm . "Well fuck, jeez, its not enough to dump gender and -sexuality in your lap; before you've had time to process that, let me also dump -\emph{humanity} in your lap! And lets not forget the entire fucking concept of -\emph{magic}, the ridiculously advanced technology that you've implanted in my -head \emph{without any warnings}, and the fact that you definitely forced me to -sleep because I was lost in thought!" +Enter manic sarcasm . "Well fuck Vivian, jeez, its not enough to dump gender and sexuality in your lap; before you've had time to process that, let me also dump \emph{humanity} in your lap! And don't forget the entire concept of literal \emph{magic}. As a treat, you can also deal with the ridiculously advanced technology that I've implanted in your head \emph{without any warnings}! Yeah, you should be able to handle all that no issues, right?" System Error: Expected "Anxiety" object, received "Rage"