From d8fb8ddbf26403ed4e1d4fc2b6deeff083e15154 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Kararou Makoto Date: Sun, 3 Apr 2022 16:40:06 -0600 Subject: [PATCH] first run. Awaiting #redpen? --- src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex | 383 +++++++++++++++---------------- 1 file changed, 187 insertions(+), 196 deletions(-) diff --git a/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex b/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex index debab84..ae467c5 100644 --- a/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex +++ b/src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex @@ -1,204 +1,194 @@ -The world was writhing pain. Then it wasn't. I had form, I could feel it, but -it kept changing in horrifying and very uncomfortable ways. +The world warped. First it was pain. Then it wasn't. I had form; I could feel +it and its changes, its horrifying and very incomfortable changes. -Just as suddenly as the weird happened, it stopped. I knew I shouldn't have -synced my virtual and physical bodies, but I really just wanted to see myself. -I guess because my body was actively changing, the implant couldn't get a read -and started freaking out. +It had stopped an instant after it happened. -I would ask Lucere about that. +I knew I shouldn't have synced my virtual and physical bodies, but I really +just wanted to see for myself. I figured my implant couldn't get a read on my +const volatile fucking form and flipped out. -The world was full of new colours assaulting me as I opened my eyes. Colours I -thought shouldn't exist, that were nearly impossible to describe. After all, -how do you explain colour to someone who's never seen it? +Reminder to ask Lucere about that. -My headache came back in full force before I could think any longer on the -colours I was seeing. +I opened my eyes and colours pierced me. I could not describe the impossibility +I bore witness to; it would be like explaining technology to a housecat. Also +my headache came back in full. -"What in the fuck did I do that for?" I asked myself aloud. My head felt fuzzy -as I sat up. Aside from the new colours, the room was mostly the same, save a -woman sitting slumped over in the chair to my right. She was pretty. +I groaned. "What in the fuck did I do that for?" With a fuzzy head I sat +up. Chromatic impossibility aside, the room was mostly the same, save the +pretty woman slumped over on a chair to my right. -Her shoulder length hair looked almost white, but off slightly. It had several -highlights of another colour I couldn't describe. Her face was slightly -rounded and framed by slivers of hair. Her eyes glowed of a blue-like colour -that I couldn't put my finger on. +Her shoulder-length hair looked an ever-so-slightly off-white with several +highlights of yet another eldritch impossibility. Slivers of hair framed a +rounded face and her eyes glowed a blue familiar and yet alien. -"You passed," Lucere said. +"You passed," said Lucere. -"Passed what?" I asked. Only now did I realize my voice was high and melodic. -"Wait, what the hell?" +I locked my eyes to her, eyebrows raised. "Passed what?" -I looked down and saw two small lumps on my chest. "What the hell?" I -demanded. +The high melody of my voice signaled an interrupt to all my +thoughts. "Wait. What the hell?" I looked down and found two small lumps +that did not exist before. "What. The. Hell." -"You needed an avatar boss," the girl said, exhaustion seeping through her -voice. +The girl beside me groaned, her exhaustion evident. "You needed an avatar +boss." -"So you just dropped me into a woman's- wait, boss?" I asked, perplexed. I -wasn't her boss, was I? +"So you just dropped me into a woman's-" And somehow I still had a modicum of +situational awareness. "Wait. Boss?" I wasn't her boss, was I? -"Yeah," Lucere responded, through her own exhaustion, "You are her immediate +"Yeah," Lucere replied with exhaustion of her own, "You are her immediate officer. We mentioned you were an officer, right?" "Yeah," I whispered, "I just didn't think it was going to be an immediate type -of thing." I had no idea how to be a leader. I'd worked on software my whole -career in exclusively non-leadership roles. - -I slumped back and put my hands on my forehead. "What's with the new colours?" +of thing." I had no idea how to be a leader. I'd never worked a single day in +any manner of leadership position. Before I flipped out again I did the smart +thing and slumped back with my hands on my forehead. "What's with the new +colours?" "Probably messed up with a setting," my I-guess-an-employee said, "I was really -rushed for time. Fix your settings yourself." +rushed for time; fix your settings yourself." -I nodded and started moving through the menus to change the way that visual -input was processed and started adjusting. Before I knew it, the world looked -normal again. +I nodded, moving through the menus to adjust my visual input processing. +Before I knew it the world was normal again. -"Thank you," I said, realizing I hadn't mentioned it earlier. +"Thank you," I said, realizing I hadn't earlier. "Whatever," she said, "I'm Eilidh. Designation of, um... I guess tactical something or other." -"I'm Talon," I replied. The name didn't really feel right coming from this -honey-sweet voice. "Shit. That doesn't sound right. Lets go with Vivian." -Where had that come from? Had I been thinking about it without realizing it? +"I'm Talon," I replied, saying my name for the first time with such a sweet +tongue, "Shit. That doesn't sound right. Lets go with Vivian." -Was my brain working against me again? +Where had that come from? Had I been thinking about it without realizing +it? Was my brain working against me again? -"Vivian," Lucere laughed, suddenly breaking out of her exhaustion, "wow that -fits really nicely. I figured you would go with something like Tali or another -name starting with T." +"Vivian." Lucere laughed herself back awake, "wow that fits really nicely. I +figured you would go with something like Tali or another name starting with T." -I was suddenly very self-conscious. I dropped my head straight down to avoid -letting them see me blush. I was a guy, right? Guys weren't supposed to -blush, even if I look like a girl. +Self-consciousness became my whole being and I dropped my head straight +down. I was a guy, right? Guys weren't supposed to blush, even if I looked +like a girl. -I was immediately distracted by my thighs. They were soft looking. My hand -reached out to touch them before my brain could catch up, and the feeling of -my fingers against them was euphoric. +I looked to my thighs and found myself distracted once more. They were +soft-looking. Before my brain could catch up my hand reached for them and +bliss lit up my fingertips. "Woah," I mouthed. -"Are you good there?" Eilidh asked, a bemused look on her face. +"Are you good there?" I noticed a bemused look on Eilidh's face after she asked. -I could feel my heartbeat in my face. "Um," I finally answered, "I'm not -sure." +I could feel my heartbeat in my face for a while before finally answering. "Um, +I'm not sure." "Looks like you aren't really in the mindspace to be building much of -anything," Lucere said, "do you want to keep that avitar or start working on a -new one thats a little more what you're used to." +anything," said Lucere, "Do you want to keep that avatar or start working on a +new one that's a little more what you're used to." -"I'll keep this one!" I heard shouted. It was my voice, though. I didn't say -that, did I? +"I'll keep this one!" I heard my voice shout. -"Like being a woman?" I heard Eilidh ask. +Did- did I say that? -"I-" I wasn't sure. This was all happening so fast and I didn't really get a -say in any of it. Even my brain was working against me in making this happen. +"Like being a woman?" Eilidh asked. -We were suddenly on a beach. The sand was a nice cyan colour. +"I-" I wasn't sure. This was all so fast and I get a say in any of it, +really. Even my own brain conspired against me when it came to this. -"I'm going to go join the others, \emph{Vivian}, please feel free to come join -the party once you feel you're ready," Lucere said as she was walking toward a -pop-up tent. "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like. Your boss looks like +I left my inner panic to find myself on a cyan-sanded beach. + +"I'm going to go join the others, \emph{Vivian}; please feel free to come join +the party once you feel you're ready," Lucere said, walking toward a pop-up +tent, "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like. Your boss looks like \emph{she} could use the company." -I found myself a little sad, knowing Lucere was going to just abandon me. I -looked over to Eilidh and realized that her hair was a pretty blue. Maybe a -shade darker than the sand we were standing on. +I found sadness in the knowledge that Lucere would just abandon me. -Eilidh looked at me, locking her gaze with mine. Her eyes were glowing with a -faint green colour. Despite the glow of her magic, I could see the colour of -her irises. They were a deep hazel with flecks of blue, green, and gold -interspersed. +I looked over to Eilidh and realized that her hair was a pretty blue maybe a +shade darker than the sand beneath us. -A pulse of heat radiated from my core that made my skin tingle like it was -electrified. +Eilidh locked her gaze with mine, her eyes alight with a faint green. Seeing +past her magic I found deep hazel interspersed with blue, green, and gold. -"Wow," I whispered, realizing I was holding back tears, "I'm sorry, this is all +A pulse of heat radiated from me and electrified my skin. + +"Wow," I whispered, feeling tears behind my eyes, "I'm sorry; this is all really new to me and I'm having a hard time dealing with all of these new \emph{feelings}." -"Its fine," she shrugged, "just do whatever you need to. Cry, talk, sit there -brooding like a maniac. Whatever, really. I'll be right here for you. -Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I will offer -whatever help I can." +She shrugged. "Its fine; just do whatever you need. Cry, talk, sit there +brooding like a maniac. Whatever, really. I'll be here for +you. Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I will offer +what help I can." Was that dedication to the job or was she this nice all the time? -"Thank you," I mumbled before leaning against the cliff that towered above me. +I mumbled a thank you and leaned against the cliff towering overhead. -Eilidh sat down next to me and began fiddling with something I couldn't see. +Eilidh sat down next to me and fiddled with something out of my sight. We sat +in a comfortable silence, despite my tears threatening to drown me in my own +thoughts. This body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been +less than an hour ago. It was odd, thinking about it; the guy was almost more +cage than person. -We sat in a comfortable silence while I held tears back, thinking about -everything. This body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been -less than an hour ago. It was odd, thinking about it. The guy was almost more -of a cage than a person. +The beach, Eilidh, it all faded away. "Am I trans?" -"Am I trans?" I asked, forgetting that Eilidh was next to me. +"Maybe?" She replied, very much \textbf{not} faded at all. -"Maybe?" She replied. I \emph{squeeked} in response. +I \emph{squeeked} and embarrassment dropped my voive to a mumble. "Fuck. Don't +startle me like that." -"Fuck," I mumbled in embarresment, "don't startle me like that." +She replied with a rather cryptic stare. "Wow," she said, staring at me rather +cryptically,making a look I couldn't interpret. "Wow. That was the most +\emph{adorable} thing I've ever seen." -"Wow," she said, staring at me making a look I couldn't interpret. "That was -the most \emph{adorable} thing I've ever seen." +"Adorable?" I'd never been called adorable. It felt... nice? Certainly +felt better than if I'd been called weak or childish for not being manly +enough. My face risked permanent redness if people just kept telling me stuff +like this. I didn't know the treatment of women among themselves felt so +good it was addictive. -"Adorable?" I asked. I'd never been called adorable. It felt nice? It -certainly felt better than if I'd been called weak or childish for not being -manly enough. +There was a part of me I never thought would see the light of day. I just +didn't realize it was \emph{this}; being a woman wasn't bad as I thought it'd +be, especially if everyone was going to be this easy going about it. -My face might just be permanently red if people keep telling me stuff like -this. I didn't know that the treatment of women amongs themselves felt so -good. It was addictive. +Eilidh smiled and nodded. "You look like you're feeling a lot more +comfortable. You want to go join the party?" -It was a part of me that I never thought would see the light of day. I just -didn't realize it was \emph{this}. Being a woman didn't feel quite so bad as I -thought it would. Especially if everyone was going to be this easy going about -it. - -"You look like you're feeling a lot more comfortable," Eilidh stated, "You want -to go join the party?" - -"I guess I'm just going to try this out for a while," I said, resigning myself -to my fate. "No need to put a label on anything yet, so yeah, lets go join the +I resigned myself to my fate. "I guess I'm just going to try this out for a +while. No need to put a label on anything yet, so yeah; let's go join the others." I might as well try it out, right? Everyone already thought I was trans. -I got up and brushed the sand from my butt. A deep breath later and I was -following Eilidh over to the tent that was in the center of the beach. Looking -around, I noticed that there were a lot of people, mostly aparant women, -launging in beach chairs that had been setup across the beach. There were -others still who were lounging on towels, playing volley ball, or chatting with -their friends. +I got up and brushed the sand from my butt. One deep breath later I followed +Eilidh to the tent in the center of the beach. Looking around, I noticed a lot +of apparent women lounging in beach chairs across the sands, others resting atop +towels, more playing volley ball, and yet more engaged in friendly chatter. -There were quite a few people. I estimated something like fifty or sixty -people, just looking around, but I may have been wrong. Despite that, my -aversion to large crowds wasn't kicking in. +I estimated something like fifty or sixty people being here, but that wasn't +certain. Despite that, I felt no aversion to the crowd. -I noticed I was quite confused by this, but wouldn't question a good thing -until later when I was alone. Though, the concept of 'alone' was being -stretched to its limits. I realized that thinking about the implant I had in -my head. +I noticed I was confused. -The implant that malfunctioned and sent me to a painful and weird void. -Admittedly because I misconfigured it, but the point still stands. This thing -is dangerous. +I wouldn't question a good thing until later when I was alone, though. Well, +for some value of 'alone' that my head implant was outright abusing, the very +same implant that malfunctioned me into a weird painful void. -Of course, most new technology is dangerous. Like, very dangerous. In the -late parts of the last millenium, humanity had decided to put all of its most -important systems on the net without any concern for security. Only later did -humanity realize how insane that idea actually was. +So what if I misconfigured it? It was still \emph{super dangerous!!} -As I walk towards a group of magically enabled women in a virtual world -nineteen decades later, we still hadn't recovered from that mess. If anything -security had become at least an afterthought instead of not a thought at all. -There was a sinking feeling in my stomach. +To be fair, though, most new technology is dangerous. Like, very dangerous. In +the late parts of the last millenium, humanity decided to put all of its most +important systems on the net without care for security. -"Hi," an androgynous voice greeted me as I finally arrived at the tent, "Xela +Only later did humanity realize how insane that idea actually was. + +As I walked towards a group of magical women in a virtual world nineteen decades +later, we still hadn't recovered from that mess. If anything, security had +become at least an afterthought... + +An improvement, but my stomach sunk nonetheless. + +"Hi," an androgynous voice greeted me when I finally entered the tent, "Xela Melrose, Technology Officer and massive pain in the ass to heterosexuality." -"Hi," I responded, "newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what +"Hi," I replied, "newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what heterosexuality means anymore." "Oh," fae responded, "its like, strai-" @@ -206,104 +196,105 @@ heterosexuality means anymore." "I know," I interjected, "just not sure if its applicable to anything I understand." -"Ah," fae laughed, "well in that case, come by my 'what the fuck is gender, +Fae laughed. "Ah. Well in that case, come by my 'what the fuck is gender, anyway?' fun house later. We're gonna have cake and break your idea of gender. -Either that or bore the hell out of you. One of the two." +Either that or bore the hell out of you, one of the two." -\emph{Is fae joking?} I asked myself. Couldn't tell and wasn't entirely sure. -I nodded in response before my voice finally found my mouth again, "I'm not -really sure I'm ready for something like that. This is already a hard enough -trip." +I wondered if fae were joking and I couldn't tell and I wasn't entirely +sure. -I heard faer humming as fae started to understand. "You must be Tactical -Officer Young. Maybe next time then. How are you enjoying the new digs?" +I nodded, voice and mouth united once more. "I'm not really sure I'm ready for +something like that. This is already a hard enough trip." + +I heard faer humming with comprehension. "You must be Tactical Officer +Young. Maybe next time then. How are you enjoying the new digs?" "Its complicated," I admitted. Wow, was I really talking with someone I'd never met about this stuff? "How do you feel about the absolutely stellar body you have waiting for you in -the real?" fae asked. +the real?" -"Um? I know I have horns, but why don't you enlighten me?" +I blinked. "Um, I know I have horns, but why don't you enlighten me?" -"Oh shit, you don't even know?" fae feigned a face of horror, "goddess above -you're gorgeous. A step above anything we've ever seen before. Your perfect -self is something that nobody else could have thought of. I mean, hell, your -wings are this beautiful ice blue. Like morning frost covering an indigo -bloom. And your skin is this beautiful mottling of..." +Faer voice feigned the horrors of the Seelie Court. "Oh shit, you don't even +know? Goddess above, you're gorgeous! A step above anything we've ever seen +before. Your perfect self is something that nobody else could have thought +of! I mean, hell, your wings are this beautiful ice blue, like morning frost +covering an indigo bloom. And your skin is this beautiful mottling of..." -I tuned faer out as fae went on about how beautiful my body was. It was neat, -don't get me wrong, but those warm pulses were growing stonger and some of them -were causing anxiety to build up. +I tuned out faer ramblings about how beautiful my body was. It was neat, but +those warm pulses were growing stonger and so did some anxious ones and I did +not want a panic attack right then and there. -Anxiety that was threatening to burst into a full panic attack. +Make a clean break. -"I'll catch you later," I said, somewhat abruptly and awkwardly breaking the -conversation short. "I need to find Lucere." +"I'll catch you later I need to find Lucere." -Fae nodded and pointed off toward the water. There were a few people lounging -around. I figured one of them might be Lucere. +Exit stage literally anywhere else. -"Thanks," I said, then walked off toward the direction Xela had pointed. +Fae nodded and pointed toward the water. There were a few people there and I +figured one of them might be Lucere. -A few people were in my path. Nobody I recognized, and I'd lost Eilidh on our -way to the tent. My thoughts having left my body to find its own way. I'm -sure she was somewhere, but I couldn't be sure where. Maybe she'd be with -Lucere. +"Thanks!" With that I walked right off in the please-don't-scare-me direction +with a few people in my path. They were nobody I recognized and I'd lost +Eilidh in my daydreaming on the way there. She was somewhere, no idea +where, hopefully with Lucere. -"Hey," a familiar voice greeted, "wasn't expecting to see you here." +I was greeted by a familiar voice. "Hey, wasn't expecting to see you here." I turned to see Tamaki smiling at me and gave her a nod. -"You look lost," she said, notes of sympathy resonating in her voice, "anything -I can help you with?" +"You look lost," she said in notes of sympathy, "Anything I can help you with?" -"How'd you recognize me?" I asked, admittedly curious. +Curiousity took my larynx. "How'd you recognize me?" "I've got alerts for when implants go into emergency mode," she replied, "I got -a brief rundown of events, and saw the new avatar that was uploaded to your -implant." She paused, noticing the worry on my face. "Only team members can -upload new configurations when an implant fails like that, but I still have to -see what was done in case one of our own in malicious." +a brief rundown of events and saw the new avatar." She paused, apparently +noticing the worry on my face. "Only team members can upload new configurations +when an implant fails like that but I still have to see what was done in case +one of our own in malicious." -"No cause to believe that, I hope," I stated, asking a question really, but not +"No cause to believe that I hope," I said, asking a question really, but not wanting to ask that specific question directly. -"We've had a few cases where demimages have been direct threats to team -members' lives, but never any issues where anyone has uploaded faulty code," -she answered, "implants haven't failed all that frequently. Emergency mode on -those things only happens once every few years across the whole network." +She shook her head. "We've had a few cases where demimages directly threatened +team members' lives, but never any issues where anyone has uploaded faulty +code. Implants haven't failed all that frequently. Emergency mode on those +things only happens once every few years across the whole network." -"Oh," I giggled, "so I really fucked up then." +I giggles. "Oh, so I really fucked up then." -"Not really," she admitted, "normally the implant can use predictive analysis -to analyse the DNA structures as their changing, but it appears that your DNA -isn't registering as," a long pause. +Again she shook her head and smiled. "Not really; nnormally the implant can use +predictive analysis to analyse the DNA structures as they're changing, but it +appears yours isn't registering as-" -"As what?" I asked, concern pushing that anxiety closer to bursting through the -copper walls of its boiler. +A long pause. -"Let me preface this by saying you are obviously a living person and we will -always treat you as such," Tamaki said, a serious face accenting the words, -"but your DNA no longer appears to be registering as human. We've had some of -the genetics experts looking into it, but your DNA has a lot less in common -with humans and a lot more in common with demons." +"As what?" My anxiety swelled, catalyzed by concern. My inner boiler wasn't +looking good. -"Okay, so I'm no longer even human?" I asked. I was surprisingly calm about -this. On the surface. Beneath the surface, the boiler popped. Violently. If +Tamaki's voice grew serious. "Let me preface this by saying you are obviously +a living person and we will always treat you as such, but your DNA no longer +appears to be registering as human. We've had some of the genetics experts +looking into it, but your DNA has a lot less in common with humans and a lot +more with demons." + +"Okay, so I'm no longer even human?" On the surface I was surprisingly calm +about this. Underneath, however... the boiler popped. Violently. If I didn't find somewhere to be alone and fast, I'd be a mess in front of all these people. -"We're not entirely sure," she admitted, "we're looking into it. There's a lot -overlap and a lot of fuzzy stuff. We're working on it." +"We're not entirely sure," she admitted, "We're looking into it. There's a lot +of overlap and a lot of fuzzy stuff. We're working on it." -"Well fuck," I said in a manically sarcastic tone, "jeez, its not enough to -dump gender and sexuality in your lap. Before you've had time to process that, -let me also dump \emph{humanity} in your lap! And lets not forget the entire -fucking concept of \emph{magic}, the rediculously advanced technology that -you've implanted in my head \emph{without any warnings}, and the fact that you -definitely forced me to sleep because I was lost in thought!" +Manic sarcasm ensued. "Well fuck, jeez, its not enough to dump gender and +sexuality in your lap; before you've had time to process that, let me also dump +\emph{humanity} in your lap! And lets not forget the entire fucking concept of +\emph{magic}, the ridiculously advanced technology that you've implanted in my +head \emph{without any warnings}, and the fact that you definitely forced me to +sleep because I was lost in thought!" -Anxiety into rage? Very atypical. I'd lost it. My handle on reality was -gone. +System Error: Expected "Anxiety" object, received "Rage" +Segmentation fault