first run. Awaiting #redpen?

src/chapters/04-a-newfeeling.tex

@@ -1,204 +1,194 @@
-The world was writhing pain.  Then it wasn't.  I had form, I could feel it, but
+The world warped. First it was pain.  Then it wasn't.  I had form; I could feel
-it kept changing in horrifying and very uncomfortable ways.
+it and its changes, its horrifying and very incomfortable changes.
 
-Just as suddenly as the weird happened, it stopped.  I knew I shouldn't have
+It had stopped an instant after it happened.
-synced my virtual and physical bodies, but I really just wanted to see myself.
-I guess because my body was actively changing, the implant couldn't get a read
-and started freaking out.
 
-I would ask Lucere about that.
+I knew I shouldn't have synced my virtual and physical bodies, but I really
+just wanted to see for myself.  I figured my implant couldn't get a read on my
+const volatile fucking form and flipped out.
 
-The world was full of new colours assaulting me as I opened my eyes.  Colours I
+Reminder to ask Lucere about that.
-thought shouldn't exist, that were nearly impossible to describe.  After all,
-how do you explain colour to someone who's never seen it?
 
-My headache came back in full force before I could think any longer on the
+I opened my eyes and colours pierced me. I could not describe the impossibility
-colours I was seeing.
+I bore witness to; it would be like explaining technology to a housecat. Also
+my headache came back in full.
 
-"What in the fuck did I do that for?" I asked myself aloud.  My head felt fuzzy
+I groaned. "What in the fuck did I do that for?"  With a fuzzy head I sat
-as I sat up.  Aside from the new colours, the room was mostly the same, save a
+up.  Chromatic impossibility aside, the room was mostly the same, save the
-woman sitting slumped over in the chair to my right.  She was pretty.
+pretty woman slumped over on a chair to my right.
 
-Her shoulder length hair looked almost white, but off slightly.  It had several
+Her shoulder-length hair looked an ever-so-slightly off-white with several
-highlights of another colour I couldn't describe.  Her face was slightly
+highlights of yet another eldritch impossibility. Slivers of hair framed a
-rounded and framed by slivers of hair.  Her eyes glowed of a blue-like colour
+rounded face and her eyes glowed a blue familiar and yet alien.
-that I couldn't put my finger on.
 
-"You passed," Lucere said.
+"You passed," said Lucere.
 
-"Passed what?" I asked.  Only now did I realize my voice was high and melodic.
+I locked my eyes to her, eyebrows raised. "Passed what?"
-"Wait, what the hell?"
 
-I looked down and saw two small lumps on my chest.  "What the hell?" I
+The high melody of my voice signaled an interrupt to all my
-demanded.
+thoughts.  "Wait. What the hell?"  I looked down and found two small lumps
+that did not exist before. "What. The. Hell."
 
-"You needed an avatar boss," the girl said, exhaustion seeping through her
+The girl beside me groaned, her exhaustion evident.  "You needed an avatar
-voice.
+boss."
 
-"So you just dropped me into a woman's- wait, boss?" I asked, perplexed.  I
+"So you just dropped me into a woman's-" And somehow I still had a modicum of
-wasn't her boss, was I?
+situational awareness.  "Wait.  Boss?"  I wasn't her boss, was I?
 
-"Yeah," Lucere responded, through her own exhaustion, "You are her immediate
+"Yeah," Lucere replied with exhaustion of her own, "You are her immediate
 officer.  We mentioned you were an officer, right?"
 
 "Yeah," I whispered, "I just didn't think it was going to be an immediate type
-of thing."  I had no idea how to be a leader.  I'd worked on software my whole
+of thing."  I had no idea how to be a leader.  I'd never worked a single day in
-career in exclusively non-leadership roles.
+any manner of leadership position.  Before I flipped out again I did the smart
-
+thing and slumped back with my hands on my forehead.  "What's with the new
-I slumped back and put my hands on my forehead.  "What's with the new colours?"
+colours?"
 
 "Probably messed up with a setting," my I-guess-an-employee said, "I was really
-rushed for time.  Fix your settings yourself."
+rushed for time; fix your settings yourself."
 
-I nodded and started moving through the menus to change the way that visual
+I nodded, moving through the menus to adjust my visual input processing.
-input was processed and started adjusting.  Before I knew it, the world looked
+Before I knew it the world was normal again.
-normal again.
 
-"Thank you," I said, realizing I hadn't mentioned it earlier.
+"Thank you," I said, realizing I hadn't earlier.
 
 "Whatever," she said, "I'm Eilidh.  Designation of, um... I guess tactical
 something or other."
 
-"I'm Talon," I replied.  The name didn't really feel right coming from this
+"I'm Talon," I replied, saying my name for the first time with such a sweet
-honey-sweet voice.  "Shit.  That doesn't sound right.  Lets go with Vivian."
+tongue, "Shit.  That doesn't sound right.  Lets go with Vivian."
-Where had that come from?  Had I been thinking about it without realizing it?
 
-Was my brain working against me again?
+Where had that come from?  Had I been thinking about it without realizing
+it?  Was my brain working against me again?
 
-"Vivian," Lucere laughed, suddenly breaking out of her exhaustion, "wow that
+"Vivian." Lucere laughed herself back awake, "wow that fits really nicely.  I
-fits really nicely.  I figured you would go with something like Tali or another
+figured you would go with something like Tali or another name starting with T."
-name starting with T."
 
-I was suddenly very self-conscious.  I dropped my head straight down to avoid
+Self-consciousness became my whole being and I dropped my head straight
-letting them see me blush.  I was a guy, right?  Guys weren't supposed to
+down.  I was a guy, right?  Guys weren't supposed to blush, even if I looked
-blush, even if I look like a girl.
+like a girl.
 
-I was immediately distracted by my thighs.  They were soft looking.  My hand
+I looked to my thighs and found myself distracted once more.  They were
-reached out to touch them before my brain could catch up, and the feeling of
+soft-looking.  Before my brain could catch up my hand reached for them and
-my fingers against them was euphoric.
+bliss lit up my fingertips.
 
 "Woah," I mouthed.
 
-"Are you good there?" Eilidh asked, a bemused look on her face.
+"Are you good there?" I noticed a bemused look on Eilidh's face after she asked.
 
-I could feel my heartbeat in my face.  "Um," I finally answered, "I'm not
+I could feel my heartbeat in my face for a while before finally answering. "Um,
-sure."
+I'm not sure."
 
 "Looks like you aren't really in the mindspace to be building much of
-anything," Lucere said, "do you want to keep that avitar or start working on a
+anything," said Lucere, "Do you want to keep that avatar or start working on a
-new one thats a little more what you're used to."
+new one that's a little more what you're used to."
 
-"I'll keep this one!" I heard shouted.  It was my voice, though.  I didn't say
+"I'll keep this one!" I heard my voice shout.
-that, did I?
 
-"Like being a woman?" I heard Eilidh ask.
+Did- did I say that?
 
-"I-" I wasn't sure.  This was all happening so fast and I didn't really get a
+"Like being a woman?" Eilidh asked.
-say in any of it.  Even my brain was working against me in making this happen.
 
-We were suddenly on a beach.  The sand was a nice cyan colour.
+"I-" I wasn't sure.  This was all so fast and I get a say in any of it,
+really.  Even my own brain conspired against me when it came to this.
 
-"I'm going to go join the others, \emph{Vivian}, please feel free to come join
+I left my inner panic to find myself on a cyan-sanded beach.
-the party once you feel you're ready," Lucere said as she was walking toward a
+
-pop-up tent.  "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like.  Your boss looks like
+"I'm going to go join the others, \emph{Vivian}; please feel free to come join
+the party once you feel you're ready," Lucere said, walking toward a pop-up
+tent,  "Eilidh, feel free to do whatever you like.  Your boss looks like
 \emph{she} could use the company."
 
-I found myself a little sad, knowing Lucere was going to just abandon me.  I
+I found sadness in the knowledge that Lucere would just abandon me.
-looked over to Eilidh and realized that her hair was a pretty blue.  Maybe a
-shade darker than the sand we were standing on.
 
-Eilidh looked at me, locking her gaze with mine.  Her eyes were glowing with a
+I looked over to Eilidh and realized that her hair was a pretty blue maybe a
-faint green colour.  Despite the glow of her magic, I could see the colour of
+shade darker than the sand beneath us.
-her irises.  They were a deep hazel with flecks of blue, green, and gold
-interspersed.
 
-A pulse of heat radiated from my core that made my skin tingle like it was
+Eilidh locked her gaze with mine, her eyes alight with a faint green.  Seeing
-electrified.
+past her magic I found deep hazel interspersed with blue, green, and gold.
 
-"Wow," I whispered, realizing I was holding back tears, "I'm sorry, this is all
+A pulse of heat radiated from me and electrified my skin.
+
+"Wow," I whispered, feeling tears behind my eyes, "I'm sorry; this is all
 really new to me and I'm having a hard time dealing with all of these new
 \emph{feelings}."
 
-"Its fine," she shrugged, "just do whatever you need to.  Cry, talk, sit there
+She shrugged. "Its fine; just do whatever you need.  Cry, talk, sit there
-brooding like a maniac.  Whatever, really.  I'll be right here for you.
+brooding like a maniac.  Whatever, really.  I'll be here for
-Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I will offer
+you.  Obviously I can't tell you how to figure yourself out, but I will offer
-whatever help I can."
+what help I can."
 
 Was that dedication to the job or was she this nice all the time?
 
-"Thank you," I mumbled before leaning against the cliff that towered above me.
+I mumbled a thank you and leaned against the cliff towering overhead.
 
-Eilidh sat down next to me and began fiddling with something I couldn't see.
+Eilidh sat down next to me and fiddled with something out of my sight.  We sat
+in a comfortable silence, despite my tears threatening to drown me in my own
+thoughts.  This body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been
+less than an hour ago.  It was odd, thinking about it; the guy was almost more
+cage than person.
 
-We sat in a comfortable silence while I held tears back, thinking about
+The beach, Eilidh, it all faded away. "Am I trans?"
-everything.  This body felt so much more comfortable than the guy I had been
-less than an hour ago.  It was odd, thinking about it.  The guy was almost more
-of a cage than a person.
 
-"Am I trans?" I asked, forgetting that Eilidh was next to me.
+"Maybe?" She replied, very much \textbf{not} faded at all.
 
-"Maybe?" She replied.  I \emph{squeeked} in response.
+I \emph{squeeked} and embarrassment dropped my voive to a mumble.  "Fuck.  Don't
+startle me like that." 
 
-"Fuck," I mumbled in embarresment, "don't startle me like that."
+She replied with a rather cryptic stare. "Wow," she said, staring at me rather
+cryptically,making a look I couldn't interpret.  "Wow.  That was the most
+\emph{adorable} thing I've ever seen."
 
-"Wow," she said, staring at me making a look I couldn't interpret.  "That was
+"Adorable?"  I'd never been called adorable.  It felt... nice?  Certainly
-the most \emph{adorable} thing I've ever seen."
+felt better than if I'd been called weak or childish for not being manly
+enough.  My face risked permanent redness if people just kept telling me stuff
+like this.  I didn't know the treatment of women among themselves felt so
+good it was addictive.
 
-"Adorable?" I asked.  I'd never been called adorable.  It felt nice?  It
+There was a part of me I never thought would see the light of day.  I just
-certainly felt better than if I'd been called weak or childish for not being
+didn't realize it was \emph{this}; being a woman wasn't bad as I thought it'd
-manly enough.
+be, especially if everyone was going to be this easy going about it.
 
-My face might just be permanently red if people keep telling me stuff like
+Eilidh smiled and nodded.  "You look like you're feeling a lot more
-this.  I didn't know that the treatment of women amongs themselves felt so
+comfortable.  You want to go join the party?"
-good.  It was addictive.
 
-It was a part of me that I never thought would see the light of day.  I just
+I resigned myself to my fate.  "I guess I'm just going to try this out for a
-didn't realize it was \emph{this}.  Being a woman didn't feel quite so bad as I
+while. No need to put a label on anything yet, so yeah; let's go join the
-thought it would.  Especially if everyone was going to be this easy going about
-it.
-
-"You look like you're feeling a lot more comfortable," Eilidh stated, "You want
-to go join the party?"
-
-"I guess I'm just going to try this out for a while," I said, resigning myself
-to my fate.  "No need to put a label on anything yet, so yeah, lets go join the
 others."  I might as well try it out, right?  Everyone already thought I was
 trans.
 
-I got up and brushed the sand from my butt.  A deep breath later and I was
+I got up and brushed the sand from my butt.  One deep breath later I followed
-following Eilidh over to the tent that was in the center of the beach.  Looking
+Eilidh to the tent in the center of the beach.  Looking around, I noticed a lot
-around, I noticed that there were a lot of people, mostly aparant women,
+of apparent women lounging in beach chairs across the sands, others resting atop
-launging in beach chairs that had been setup across the beach.  There were
+towels, more playing volley ball, and yet more engaged in friendly chatter.
-others still who were lounging on towels, playing volley ball, or chatting with
-their friends.
 
-There were quite a few people.  I estimated something like fifty or sixty
+I estimated something like fifty or sixty people being here, but that wasn't
-people, just looking around, but I may have been wrong.  Despite that, my
+certain.  Despite that, I felt no aversion to the crowd.
-aversion to large crowds wasn't kicking in.
 
-I noticed I was quite confused by this, but wouldn't question a good thing
+I noticed I was confused.
-until later when I was alone.  Though, the concept of 'alone' was being
-stretched to its limits.  I realized that thinking about the implant I had in
-my head.
 
-The implant that malfunctioned and sent me to a painful and weird void.
+I wouldn't question a good thing until later when I was alone, though.  Well,
-Admittedly because I misconfigured it, but the point still stands.  This thing
+for some value of 'alone' that my head implant was outright abusing, the very
-is dangerous.
+same implant that malfunctioned me into a weird painful void.
 
-Of course, most new technology is dangerous.  Like, very dangerous.  In the
+So what if I misconfigured it?  It was still \emph{super dangerous!!}
-late parts of the last millenium, humanity had decided to put all of its most
-important systems on the net without any concern for security.  Only later did
-humanity realize how insane that idea actually was.
 
-As I walk towards a group of magically enabled women in a virtual world
+To be fair, though, most new technology is dangerous.  Like, very dangerous. In
-nineteen decades later, we still hadn't recovered from that mess.  If anything
+the late parts of the last millenium, humanity decided to put all of its most
-security had become at least an afterthought instead of not a thought at all.
+important systems on the net without care for security.
-There was a sinking feeling in my stomach.
 
-"Hi," an androgynous voice greeted me as I finally arrived at the tent, "Xela
+Only later did humanity realize how insane that idea actually was.
+
+As I walked towards a group of magical women in a virtual world nineteen decades
+later, we still hadn't recovered from that mess.  If anything, security had
+become at least an afterthought...
+
+An improvement, but my stomach sunk nonetheless.
+
+"Hi," an androgynous voice greeted me when I finally entered the tent, "Xela
 Melrose, Technology Officer and massive pain in the ass to heterosexuality."
 
-"Hi," I responded, "newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what
+"Hi," I replied, "newly minted \emph{whatever} and not even sure what
 heterosexuality means anymore."
 
 "Oh," fae responded, "its like, strai-"
@@ -206,104 +196,105 @@ heterosexuality means anymore."
 "I know," I interjected, "just not sure if its applicable to anything I
 understand."
 
-"Ah," fae laughed, "well in that case, come by my 'what the fuck is gender,
+Fae laughed. "Ah.  Well in that case, come by my 'what the fuck is gender,
 anyway?' fun house later.  We're gonna have cake and break your idea of gender.
-Either that or bore the hell out of you.  One of the two."
+Either that or bore the hell out of you, one of the two."
 
-\emph{Is fae joking?} I asked myself.  Couldn't tell and wasn't entirely sure.
+I wondered if fae were joking and I couldn't tell and I wasn't entirely
-I nodded in response before my voice finally found my mouth again, "I'm not
+sure.
-really sure I'm ready for something like that.  This is already a hard enough
-trip."
 
-I heard faer humming as fae started to understand.  "You must be Tactical
+I nodded, voice and mouth united once more.  "I'm not really sure I'm ready for
-Officer Young.  Maybe next time then.  How are you enjoying the new digs?"
+something like that.  This is already a hard enough trip."
+
+I heard faer humming with comprehension.  "You must be Tactical Officer
+Young.  Maybe next time then.  How are you enjoying the new digs?"
 
 "Its complicated," I admitted.  Wow, was I really talking with someone I'd
 never met about this stuff?
 
 "How do you feel about the absolutely stellar body you have waiting for you in
-the real?" fae asked.
+the real?"
 
-"Um?  I know I have horns, but why don't you enlighten me?"
+I blinked. "Um, I know I have horns, but why don't you enlighten me?"
 
-"Oh shit, you don't even know?" fae feigned a face of horror, "goddess above
+Faer voice feigned the horrors of the Seelie Court.  "Oh shit, you don't even
-you're gorgeous.  A step above anything we've ever seen before.  Your perfect
+know?  Goddess above, you're gorgeous!  A step above anything we've ever seen
-self is something that nobody else could have thought of.  I mean, hell, your
+before.  Your perfect self is something that nobody else could have thought
-wings are this beautiful ice blue.  Like morning frost covering an indigo
+of!  I mean, hell, your wings are this beautiful ice blue, like morning frost
-bloom.  And your skin is this beautiful mottling of..."
+covering an indigo bloom.  And your skin is this beautiful mottling of..."
 
-I tuned faer out as fae went on about how beautiful my body was.  It was neat,
+I tuned out faer ramblings about how beautiful my body was.  It was neat, but
-don't get me wrong, but those warm pulses were growing stonger and some of them
+those warm pulses were growing stonger and so did some anxious ones and I did
-were causing anxiety to build up.
+not want a panic attack right then and there.
 
-Anxiety that was threatening to burst into a full panic attack.
+Make a clean break.
 
-"I'll catch you later," I said, somewhat abruptly and awkwardly breaking the
+"I'll catch you later I need to find Lucere."
-conversation short.  "I need to find Lucere."
 
-Fae nodded and pointed off toward the water.  There were a few people lounging
+Exit stage literally anywhere else.
-around.  I figured one of them might be Lucere.
 
-"Thanks," I said, then walked off toward the direction Xela had pointed.
+Fae nodded and pointed toward the water.  There were a few people there and I
+figured one of them might be Lucere.
 
-A few people were in my path.  Nobody I recognized, and I'd lost Eilidh on our
+"Thanks!"  With that I walked right off in the please-don't-scare-me direction
-way to the tent.  My thoughts having left my body to find its own way.  I'm
+with a few people in my path.  They were nobody I recognized and I'd lost
-sure she was somewhere, but I couldn't be sure where.  Maybe she'd be with
+Eilidh in my daydreaming on the way there.  She was somewhere, no idea
-Lucere.
+where, hopefully with Lucere.
 
-"Hey," a familiar voice greeted, "wasn't expecting to see you here."
+I was greeted by a familiar voice. "Hey, wasn't expecting to see you here."
 
 I turned to see Tamaki smiling at me and gave her a nod.
 
-"You look lost," she said, notes of sympathy resonating in her voice, "anything
+"You look lost," she said in notes of sympathy, "Anything I can help you with?"
-I can help you with?"
 
-"How'd you recognize me?" I asked, admittedly curious.
+Curiousity took my larynx. "How'd you recognize me?"
 
 "I've got alerts for when implants go into emergency mode," she replied, "I got
-a brief rundown of events, and saw the new avatar that was uploaded to your
+a brief rundown of events and saw the new avatar."  She paused, apparently
-implant."  She paused, noticing the worry on my face.  "Only team members can
+noticing the worry on my face.  "Only team members can upload new configurations
-upload new configurations when an implant fails like that, but I still have to
+when an implant fails like that but I still have to see what was done in case
-see what was done in case one of our own in malicious."
+one of our own in malicious."
 
-"No cause to believe that, I hope," I stated, asking a question really, but not
+"No cause to believe that I hope," I said, asking a question really, but not
 wanting to ask that specific question directly.
 
-"We've had a few cases where demimages have been direct threats to team
+She shook her head.  "We've had a few cases where demimages directly threatened
-members' lives, but never any issues where anyone has uploaded faulty code,"
+team members' lives, but never any issues where anyone has uploaded faulty
-she answered, "implants haven't failed all that frequently.  Emergency mode on
+code.  Implants haven't failed all that frequently.  Emergency mode on those
-those things only happens once every few years across the whole network."
+things only happens once every few years across the whole network."
 
-"Oh," I giggled, "so I really fucked up then."
+I giggles. "Oh, so I really fucked up then."
 
-"Not really," she admitted, "normally the implant can use predictive analysis
+Again she shook her head and smiled. "Not really; nnormally the implant can use
-to analyse the DNA structures as their changing, but it appears that your DNA
+predictive analysis to analyse the DNA structures as they're changing, but it
-isn't registering as," a long pause.
+appears yours isn't registering as-"
 
-"As what?" I asked, concern pushing that anxiety closer to bursting through the
+A long pause.
-copper walls of its boiler.
 
-"Let me preface this by saying you are obviously a living person and we will
+"As what?"  My anxiety swelled, catalyzed by concern.  My inner boiler wasn't
-always treat you as such," Tamaki said, a serious face accenting the words,
+looking good.
-"but your DNA no longer appears to be registering as human.  We've had some of
-the genetics experts looking into it, but your DNA has a lot less in common
-with humans and a lot more in common with demons."
 
-"Okay, so I'm no longer even human?" I asked.  I was surprisingly calm about
+Tamaki's voice grew serious.  "Let me preface this by saying you are obviously
-this.  On the surface.  Beneath the surface, the boiler popped.  Violently.  If
+a living person and we will always treat you as such, but your DNA no longer
+appears to be registering as human.  We've had some of the genetics experts
+looking into it, but your DNA has a lot less in common with humans and a lot
+more with demons."
+
+"Okay, so I'm no longer even human?"  On the surface I was surprisingly calm
+about this.  Underneath, however... the boiler popped.  Violently.  If
 I didn't find somewhere to be alone and fast, I'd be a mess in front of all
 these people.
 
-"We're not entirely sure," she admitted, "we're looking into it.  There's a lot
+"We're not entirely sure," she admitted, "We're looking into it.  There's a lot
-overlap and a lot of fuzzy stuff.  We're working on it."
+of overlap and a lot of fuzzy stuff.  We're working on it."
 
-"Well fuck," I said in a manically sarcastic tone, "jeez, its not enough to
+Manic sarcasm ensued. "Well fuck, jeez, its not enough to dump gender and
-dump gender and sexuality in your lap.  Before you've had time to process that,
+sexuality in your lap; before you've had time to process that, let me also dump
-let me also dump \emph{humanity} in your lap!  And lets not forget the entire
+\emph{humanity} in your lap!  And lets not forget the entire fucking concept of
-fucking concept of \emph{magic}, the rediculously advanced technology that
+\emph{magic}, the ridiculously advanced technology that you've implanted in my
-you've implanted in my head \emph{without any warnings}, and the fact that you
+head \emph{without any warnings}, and the fact that you definitely forced me to
-definitely forced me to sleep because I was lost in thought!"
+sleep because I was lost in thought!"
 
-Anxiety into rage?  Very atypical.  I'd lost it.  My handle on reality was
+System Error: Expected "Anxiety" object, received "Rage"
-gone.
 
+Segmentation fault